Post 84: Emotions

Today was hard. Probably the most difficult day I’ve had since our IVF cycle failed and my sister announced per pregnancy. Around 3:30AM, I must have finally realized that we were leaving Julie for the first time. I was running back and forth to the bathroom for an hour, then finally settled into a restless sleep. At 6:00AM, my alarm went off, and I knew it was only an hour until we’d walk out our front door. That thought made me hurl. 

I got up and dressed, and woke up Julie. I snuck into her bedroom, and just watched her sleep. Then I slowly started rubbing her back, and playing with her hair. She was out for the count, and didn’t even flinch. Part of me said to let her sleep, but the mother in me couldn’t leave her without hugs, kisses, and cuddles. I picked her up out of the crib, and she was so confused. I laid her on my shoulder, and we rocked in her glider, enjoying a good ten minutes of cuddles. Then my nerves hit again, I passed her to Shaun, and continued vomiting bile. Moments later, Courtney arrived. Shaun and I each got a few more “squish hugs” as we like to call them, loaded the car, and started driving towards the airport. 

Shaun asked if I wanted to eat, and I told him no. Today was the first day of weaning, the first day of leaving our baby girl, and I was an emotional wreck. By the time we made it to the interstate, I started asking Shaun to let me go home. I was still sick with nerves, and just didn’t want to leave. I knew I had to, and that it was an important step for Julie and myself, but if he’d have said ok, I’d have gone back home immediately. When we got to the airport, the tears started. I’m not a crier. It’s probably been a good year since I cried last, especially ugly cried. It was bad. There was snot and tears everywhere. Shaun parked the car, unloaded the suitcases, opened my door, unbuckled my seatbelt, and physically dragged me out of the car, shut the door, and locked it. He refused to let me go home. 

I knew that he made the right decision, but getting on that plane wasn’t any easier. I prayed continually, asking for my stomach to settle, my nerves to be calmed, and for us to make it to Florida safely. God was clearly listening. By the time we boarded the plane, I was ready to go. My anxiety was gone. We made it to Florida around 2PM, after a very bumpy flight from tricities to Atlanta, and a much nicer flight from Atlanta to Fort Meyers, followed by an hour long bus ride to Marco Island. 

The AT&T summit is tremendous. Their goal is to treat their top employees like celebrities for the weekend. We had priority check in,a bellhop took our bags to our room, we received a welcome beach bag with towels and sun screen, $200 in visa gift cards for Friday’s dinner (the only meal not included in our stay), confirmed our spa reservations for a massage, and they gave us directions for how to pick out our winner’s gifts. We selected a new set of Calphalon pots and pans as the big gift, a Michael Kohrs purse for me, and a fancy watch for Shaun.

We missed lunch because of the flights, so we grabbed a sandwich from the hotel’s bistro, and headed to our room. We called Freedom Fertility to arrange the arrival of our medications, changed into swimsuits, walked on the beach, went swimming, then decided it was time to get ready for dinner. We FaceTimed with Julie, and she kept asking where we were, and when we were coming home. We hung up on her while she was crying, but Courtney said she’d done really well all day. 

Right as we walked into dinner, we got the sweaters movies from Courtney - Julie in her pajamas, saying she loves us, misses us, and hopes we have a good time. Courtney is amazing, and knows what Julie and I both need. It lifted my mood so much, and we were exited to head into the pavilion for dinner. The food was excellent. They had a huge buffet with a great variety of options. If I could find their garlic salad dressing recipe, I’d make it every day, and the ice cream and waffle station was amazing! After dinner, we got to watch a fire dancer perform at sunset, they drew caricatures of each of us, then we headed to bed. And crashed hard.  Tomorrow we start estrogen, and have the day to ourselves. There’s scheduled times for meals, but no set plans for the conference. 

(Backup) Post 93: Stress

I’m not sure if my stress levels could be any higher than they are now. Between fighting with insurance and pharmacies, not receiving my prescriptions, having a financial meeting with my parents, and tearing out our kitchen, it has been one heck of a day. Did I mention that today was also the last time I’ll nurse Julie? We leave for Florida tomorrow, and I start my medications while we’re there. Since they aren’t safe for nursing, I have to stop. Julie is 2 (and a quarter) years old, but still loves her “nilkers” for breakfast each day. So tomorrow will be emotional. 

Not only are we weaning tomorrow, it’s also our first time leaving Julie. I’ve spent one night away from her since birth, and I was less than two miles away. Shaun was also home at the time. She’s never been without both of us for more than a few hours, and never at night. Courtney (our amazing sitter) will be here from 6:30AM until bedtime tomorrow, then Shaun’s parents and sister will be here until we return on Sunday. We had a pajama party tonight, with lots of extra cuddles, before bedtime. Then we talked for about half an hour about the upcoming trip, and what it means for her - going over details in toddler speak - before she was ready to crash and I was ready to let go. 

As much as I’ll miss her, I’m also beyond excited for this trip. Shaun and I are headed to Marco Island, Florida, courtesy of AT&T, for the Summit Convention. We will be pampered all weekend! A trip to the spa, spending allowance each day, a selection of gifts to choose from, and a formal dinner and night of dancing. Shaun is required to attend the meetings each day, but I am free to come and go as I wish. I do believe I’ll read a book, relax, and prepare for the coming weeks. My period should start a few days after we return, then I start stimming. It will be good to have an adult only trip, to reconnect and make sure we’re on the same page.

We also have a lot to discuss after our family financial meeting today. My dad is beginning his retirement from all the family businesses, and in five years, will turn his empire over to Sara and myself to run. Our family spent the entire day going through medical directives, power of attorney, life insurance policies, trust funds, checking accounts, and more. I could have used a translator for a good portion of the meeting. We were also informed that he’s forgiving our loan for Julie, and the upcoming cycle, and forgiving the same amount for a personal loan to Sara. 

I’m still in shock and awe over my parents financial status. I knew they saved and invested smartly, and had a ballpark figure of where they stand, but had no idea until today what it means for me, Julie, and any other direct heirs to the Hudson name. Shaun and I live within our means, on about $2000/month.  That amount is pocket change to my parents. We are supposed to come up with ways for them to spend money on us. We decided collectively that it was better to spend the money now, rather than waiting until they’ve passed away. To enjoy the time with our families while our children are young. Now, we get to dream. What would you purchase or request if you were inheriting a substabtial amount of money? 

Post 92: How much? What?!?

Today was supposed to be low key. I was waiting for the pharmacy to call with tracking information, and that was the only important thing on my to-do list. They called around noon, and said that they’d received an additional prescription, and would be adding it to the order that would ship later today. I agreed, and asked them to call me back if there were any problems.

About an hour later, they called. Man, did we have problems! Our insurance has changed since we did IVF in 2014/2015. At the time, Freedom Fertility was the best, and lowest cost pharmacy, and our out of pocket expense was around $350-$450 depending on which medications had been prescribed. We now have insurance through CVS Caremark, and when I spoke with the pharmacy, I was told that they recommended I find a different pharmacy to handle our prescriptions. The estimated total before insurence was $5,079! What?!? And after insurance, our out of pocket expense was just shy of $2,500! Ahhhhhh!! They were so concerned that they called me to tell me the steps to finding a lower cost option. 

Within a few minutes, I was on the phone with my insurence. Aparently, they are their own preferred provider, and anywhere else is out of network and ungodly expensive. CVS Caremark has another side known as Caremark Specialty, which is who I’m now working with. It took about fifteen phone calls back and forth between Caremark, Freedom, and Wake Forest, but my prescriptions were officially transferred to the correct pharmacy, and they might even get here in time. Ugh. This was a stressor that was not needed today. I’m supposed to call Caremark tomorrow to get the final price. They said it should definitely be less than the quote from Freedom, but didn’t say by how much. Fingers crossed that it’ll be a reasonable amount. Yes, we can cover $2,500 if we need to; no, I’m not going to do it happily. 

Post 91: Girls Day

It was so simple to change my diet the last time we were trying for a baby. I cut out caffeine completely, ate my avocados, and took my vitamins like clockwork. At that point, I had plenty of time in my day, and having a child was the most impenitent goal. This time around, I am struggling! I’m doing well with food selections, and am getting plenty of whole grains, fruits, and veggies, but I can not for the life of me remember to take my vitamins, and am ready to murder someone for a cup of coffee. There are more important things in my life, and I am utterly exhausted chasing a toddler, while living life uncaffeinated. 

Julie woke up twice last night, and ended up in our bed for a few hours. It doesn’t happen often, and I honestly think she was having growing pains. She kept grabbing her legs and asking me to kiss her booboos. We put her back in bed at 4AM, and she screamed and cried for about half an hour before finally settling into a restful sleep. I, however, was wide awake. For the next two hours, I read, twiddled my thumbs, and tried to fall back to sleep. When it didn’t happen, I decided a relaxing bath would help ease into the day. An hour later, Julie was awake, and decided to join me in the tub. 

After a morning of meltdowns, Julie begged to, “go shoppin’!” I was exhausted, and knew that getting out of the house was probably s good idea. Staying home would have meant more meltdowns, and with my lack of caffeine, I’d have yelled back at the toddler, who doesn’t deserve it. 

We ended up heading to Johnson City, to a consignment sale. When we got to Abingdon, my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, and my auto-block let the call go through. Since I’d been waiting on Freedom Pharmacy to call with my prescriptions, I decided to answer. With luck, my instincts were correct! 

I’d been stressing over this call since Roxanne told me about it. We’re doing ok financially, but not well enough to have an extra $1,500 in our checking account within a few hours notice. The call was supposed to happen on Thursday, and I was anxious about it for two reasons: first, I didn’t know how much the prescriptions were going to be since our insurance has changed since sincs the last cycle; and second, I didn’t know if we’d be able to pay up front since we were waiting on our tax return. God truly does work in mysterious ways. I checked our bank account, and not only did our refund get credited to our account this morning, but Shaun also got paid, and his commission bonus was added. 

When I spoke with the agent, she reviewed my medications - 2 vials of progesterone, 2 vials of Gonal F, 10 per-filled injectible Menopur, 1 vial of Ceteotide, 1 HCG trigger, 8 Estrogen patches, 20 Doxycycline tablets, 5 Medrol tablets, 130 syringes, alcohol swabs, gauze, and a sharps container. She updated our address and contact information, then asked for our payment method. She didn’t give me a total, or an estimate, but asked if I’d like to add a maximum amount they could charge at one time. She explained that this allows them to ship the medication immediately, and charge my card up to any amount we set, then they’ll settle the bill after our insurance is charged. I told her that sounded wonderful. When she asked what amount I’d like to set, I asked for her opinion. Our medications last time were around $350-$450, but our insurance covered a huge percentage. I expected her to tell me $300-$500 as a precautionary minimum. Instead, she said $50 should be a good start! $50! That’s all? Good grief, and thank you Lord! She explained that my medications will ship on Monday, and will arrive by Tuesday, and to make sure the injectible medications make it to the fridge. 

After the call, Julie and I finished our trip. We spent the day shopping, relaxing, and forgetting to take our vitamins. I can rest a little easier knowing that everything seems to be falling perfectly into place this cycle. 

Post 90: And We’re Back

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions, excitement, and needles. We decided a few months ago that it was time to start trying for another baby. We made our appointment with Wake Forest, and after a saline sonogram and some blood work to check my thyroid level, we were cleared to do another IVF cycle. We haven’t used protection since Julie was born, and have been actively trying naturally for six months with no luck, so IVF is clearly the right decision if we want to expand our family.

On Tuesday, I sent an email saying we were ready to start trying. Today (Thursday), I got an email with a schedule. I was expecting there to be a wait, and for us to start the IVF cycle in April or May. Instead, they said, “How about Wednesday?” That’s six days from now! Six days? Am I ready for this again? The agonizing physical and emotional pain? The needles, blood work, and stress? Well, yes. I think I am!

I rushed to the hospital for lab work, and 7 tubes of blood and a urine sample later, we’ve officially started our third fresh IVF cycle. 

I left the hospital, and headed straight to Live Life Chiropractic for an acupuncture session. Maybe it’s the mood, and excitement of the day, but I swear the clouds looked like an ultrasound photo. There’s a baby’s face and body if you look close. Maybe they’re just clouds, but I see it. 

I’m taking that as a sign that this will be our month. We won’t need to do any further cycles, and God will provide.

Here goes nothing! Fingers crossed for a relaxing, easy cycle. The timing is perfect, and works around our vacation to Marco Island, Florida, courtesy of AT&T, and also finishes before our next dance competition. It was too ideal not to try.

Post 89: The End

I believe it's officially time for me to stop posting on this blog! I find it hard to keep posting here, as we now have our baby girl. Our "maybe baby" is here in my arms, and this chapter of my life is over. I'm no longer longing for a child. God provided the desires of my heart, and my life is full. I will, one day, pick up this blog again, when we decided to grow our family. We were told that we would need fertility treatments again if we want a second child, and since we have one frozen embryo remaining, from the cycle that gave us Julie, our fertility journey isn't quite over, but it is on hold for the time being. We aren't able to use our embryo until Julie is 18 months old. 

I have started a new blog called, "Dear Julie." It includes my day to day interactions with this beautiful blessing that God provided. Good and bad, Julie's life will be documented. I don't just want to leave my child a baby book of photos. I want to give her memories, and if one day I receive the same diagnosis as my mother, I want to reminisce about the greatest blessing in my life. 

Julie's only eight weeks old, and I'm already sad about how quickly she's growing, changing, and maturing. Life is such a short period of time, and we're going to live and love every minute of it! It's time to start a new chapter in my book - the one I've wanted, prayed for, and dreamed about - mom. Though our chance of natural conception is 1%, we know He works miracles and has a sense of humor! So, goodbye for now, and I'll see you in a year as we begin our journey with secondary infertility! Unless God has an unexpected surprise waiting for us and we conceive naturally!

Post 88: 6 weeks

How has time gone by so fast? It's been six weeks since Julie was born, and our lives have been turned upside down! We've made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, a dance performance, the first snow of winter, and it has been a whirlwind of excitement, emotion, and sleeplessness!