Post 62: This day sucks

As I sit here trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming, I realize how badly I want to be a mother. I got to work this morning, and my sister told me that she had exciting news to share. She's having a baby. I'm completely numb. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I am angry. Not with my sister, but with the situation. My sister and I have been compared by my parents our entire lives, and my life in comparison always comes up short. I knew she was trying for a second child, and I've prayed and hoped that if it happened, ours would come first. My biggest fear was that we would be pregnant at the same time, and she'd steal my thunder, as has happened my entire life. The happiness associated with possible pregnancy is gone, all that's left is disappointment. 

I know that everyone who knows us both will say, "Congratulations - your sister's having a baby too, right?" Maybe it's selfish, but for once in my life, I wanted to be the one celebrated. I wanted to be the focus. Part of me wants to push back our next IVF cycle, but I know that I can't do it. Our issue is with my eggs, and every month makes them a little older and a little harder, so time is of the essence. I just hate that our kids will always be compared. I understand that our next cycle may not work, or the timing could get pushed back, but I have to keep believing that it'll happen quickly. 

I keep trying to be happy with the situation, but I am so angry. God promised to give us the desires of our hearts, but I am continually told to wait. I have a relationship with God, we attend church, give generously, and pray. We waited for marriage to have sex, and followed all the rules. My sister has none of these. I'm struggling so much with why she has been granted another child, while I am still longing for my first. Her baby is healthy, and has a strong heartbeat, and though she has some health concerns with a corpus luteum cyst, they expect everything to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I do not understand why I have to hurt so badly, and continually be in longing pain for a child, when they come naturally and so easily to others. 

The hardest part for me to handle is that she is due on our due date from the FET. She's having the baby we lost. We should have been the ones celebrating, but it just isn't happening. Why can't we have a baby? Why doesn't my body work? What is God trying to teach me from this? I'm tired of waiting. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. Why won't God let me have the desires of my heart as promised?