Post 48: Hard Day

Today was my first beta test, and the results were never in my favor. Though we transferred two beautiful blastocysts, neither of them took, and my hcg level was 0 this morning. At minimum, it should have been 50, or at least had something register on the test scale, but apparently my uterus and blastocysts don't get along well. The worst part is that I have to entertain all week, after one of the largest disappointments in my life. I've wanted children since I was a child, and I know I was born to be a mom, but I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever experience pregnancy. I want the morning sickness, the achy joints, and the exhaustion. I want to experience having a child growing inside me, and giving birth. I've wanted these things for so long, and my strength is wearing thin. We're officially on cycle 30 now, and though I can no longer say that I've never been pregnant, since they put in two healthy embryos, I still am not a mother. I'm holding out hope that we will have a child eventually, and that it will be from my own flesh. I know that God would not place this desire so strongly in my heart if it wasn't meant to be, but I'm becoming impatient. There's a 90% chance of taking home a baby after three rounds of IVF, so we still have hope, and I know that God will provide.