Post 49: After Disappointment

The day I found out our first IVF treatment failed I cried harder than I ever have in my entire life.  The tears wouldn't stop.  We were in the middle of a snow storm, and had borrowed my parent's truck to make it to the hospital, and I had to drop Shaun off at work as soon as we got the negative results.  I made it home before the tears started to fall, but as soon as I stepped inside the house, it was a non-stop snot-fest.  I decided the best thing to do was to take a bath, which I hadn't been able to do in weeks due to the procedures.  I cried for a solid two hours, talking with God, and begging Him to help my pain, and to continue to trust him.  This was the first time I had cried in over two years.  I was determined that this was going to work, and was, again, wrong.  Around noon, I knew I had to pull myself together.  I had a full day of dance classes to teach, and family members were about to arrive for Thanksgiving. I spent the morning pouring my heart out to God and my best friend, Angel, and made all of the calls that were necessary to inform my family that we'd failed at getting pregnant, again.  I asked them to please treat me normally, because if they looked at me with puppy dog eyes, I would burst into tears, and I couldn't let my guard down at the studio.  My students and their families do not know that we have been TTC, and I didn't want them to find out by having a breakdown.

I've decided that I have a pretty good poker face, because I made it through six hours of dance class, and four hours of family time, without a single tear falling.  I started texting Angel after class, and had one of the most heartfelt conversations of my life.  Angel struggled with infertility, and now has two beautiful children.  She gets the frustration, and has been my rock and foundation through everything.  She's my champion, prayer warrior, and friend, and she helped me to work through the results, and reminded me to look to God, and keep believing in Him, even when I don't get the answers I want.  Our conversation lasted well over two hours, and by the time I was ready for bed, I was beyond exhausted.  I had a sense of calm when I climbed into bed, and I rolled over to hold onto Shaun.  As I began to pray, the tears returned.  It's so difficult to praise God, and thank Him for the wonderful day He has provided us with, when you're so upset over losing a child.  I know that some people will say that the embryos were not really children, but to an individual going through IVF or infertility, they most definitely are.

I prayed harder the day of the pregnancy test, and the days following, than I have in a long time.  First prayers begging for the test to be positive, and for us to have a healthy baby, then prayers of desperation when the test was negative, prayers of strength to make it through the day, and prayers asking to help me accept the things that I cannot change.  The tears started to flow, and I thanked God for the blessings that He has bestowed upon me, and for my constant support system with Shaun and Angel, and asked that He clearly show me what to do next.  I don't believe that the desire to have my own child will ever disappear, but I asked God to please show me His plan. I needed a clearer sign.  If I was supposed to give up, and look towards foster care or adoption, then I wanted the desire inside of me to change.  I prayed, and begged for God to reveal his plan in my life.  I also reminded myself that I am not in control, and that God will grant the desires of my heart when the time is right.

I must have cried all night in my sleep, because my eyes were sore, and achy when I awoke.  However, when I woke, God answered my prayers.  I rarely wake up with something running through my head, but the morning after the test, I literally woke up singing.  The words that came out of my mouth were by Brandon Heath.  A song that I hadn't heard or thought of in a long time - "Wait and See."  I was awoken by the words, "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see.  He's not finished with me yet."  I've never felt such a sense of calm.  I know that He's not finished with me yet, and that I need to trust God's timing.  I will have the child my heart desires, and the child will be flesh of my flesh.  I just have to wait on God, and that's what I plan to do.