Post #70 Another Great Report

We had our last monitoring appointment today for our second IVF cycle, and things are looking great! We again have 27 follicles, and Dr. Johnston is expecting around 18 eggs at the retrieval Monday. My estrogen level is still high, at 1905, but it's significantly lower than last time, when it hit 3500! They're starting me on a new medication tonight which helps prevent hyper stimulation, so hopefully the swelling will stop or level out. My hands are so swollen that I can no longer wear my wedding rings, and my winter coat won't zip over my stomach! 

Post 69: Here We Go Again!

As of yesterday, we have officially started our second round of IVF! We met with our doctor at Wake Forest, and had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. I had 19 follicles to begin with, so we're off to a great start! I forgot how badly stimulation drugs burn, and was not prepared for searing pain when Shaun shot me last night. I guess our minds block out the bad parts, and help us focus on the end goal. I'm currently taking gonal f, menopur, doxycycline, probiotics, and my prenatal vitamins. I'll add in Ganirelix soon. I go back to the doctor on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday, with my retrieval planned for the following Monday. 

Post 68: Great Dad

I cannot wait until the time that we are parents. After watching Shaun with my niece Lilly, it strengthens my desire to have a child. He will be an amazing father. 

Our annual family cruise vacation was ok. They cancelled a port of call due to weather, all dinner conversations were financially driven, and I was constantly reminded that Sara's having a baby. I did really well, and kept my emotions in check except for one day, where I went straight to bed after dinner. I claimed I was tired, which was true, but a few comments were made at dinner about babies, and Sara sang "put the lime in the coconut" and I'd had enough. No one knew that the comments were hurtful, and had probably forgotten that we'd planned on announcing our pregnancy on the cruise by using the song. Rather than making a big deal of it, I just went to bed. 

Lilly's birthday was celebrated twice, and she was so excited to turn three. She does not like green eggs and ham, or Dr. Seuss characters for that matter, but her presence made the cruise so much more enjoyable, and allowed me to see what it's like to be a parent. 

Shaun and I loved every minute pretending to be parents. It made me realize that we both have impressive patience, and I know that we will be the type of parents that help our kids explore, learn, and play. We will not take a moment of parenthood for granted, and are ready and waiting on God to bless us with a family. 

Post 67: Awkward Family

It's been very awkward since arriving at my uncle and aunt's house. I just knew that when we walked in, they would embrace us and tell us that God has a plan for our lives, and that He is ever faithful. I expected to talk about and pray with them, and to feel surrounded by God. Instead, it's been very different. My uncle has not spoken to me directly since we arrived two days ago. Conversations with my aunt have been brief and pointed, and there has been no conversation at all about how we're doing emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  When we crawled into bed last night, I asked Shaun if I was over analyzing the lack of interest, and he had the same feeling - that we're a nuisance for being here. My uncle and aunt are extremely religious, but are not conservative in the least. They are two of my favorite people, and are by far the relatives I'm closest to. Shaun and my uncle always golf together, and have endless discussions when they're together about life and God. Shaun said that when they golfed, my uncle wire headphones and listed to music for the first nine holes, and had very minimal conversation during the back nine. On the way home from their outing, my uncle made Shaun quite uncomfortable. He said things such as, "you're being stubborn, and clearly God doesn't want you to have a child. You need to work on your marriage and finances instead." He also told my parents that they should not have helped us with a loan to have a baby, and that they should pretty much kick us out of our house and let us fend for ourselves. My uncle thinks we are co-dependent on my parents, and can't make it on our own. 

I see things differently. Yes, we rent a house from my parents, and we do have a loan from them to front the cost of starting a family. However, we are both working, we have never missed a payment, and are treated the same as any other tenant. We do not expect them to pay for anything without us paying them back, and we expect to pay back every penny loaned as we are able. I also disagree with my uncle over God not wanting us to have children. He would not have placed the desire on my heart if it were not meant to be. I pray and ask that if we are not on the right path, that He would steer us in a new direction. Our marriage and relationship with God are stronger than they've ever been, and I know that I am staying the course, and am where I'm supposed to be. Shaun said that this weekend was a test, and we are being pressured by the Devil to lose hope. I value my uncle's opinion so highly, and am so shocked by his reaction, that I have to agree with Shaub. We will stay faithful and prayerful, and God will provide. 

Post 66: Birth Control and Biopsies

It has been a long week, made even longer with the start of our second fresh IVF cycle. Our protocol changed this time to include birth control to help lower my estrogen level before starting stimulation. I officially hate birth control, and have been so sick since starting it. It's only been three days so far, but I am constantly nauseous. I'd be perfectly ok if it was morning sickness, but since it's hormone related, it really sucks. To top it off, I also got to have another endometrial biopsy today. Yuck. The procedure hurt worse this time, and I am praying that my infection is cleared up, because I'm not sure if I can handle another biopsy. After the biopsy, we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up anti-nausea prescriptions, then headed to Florida for vacation! Two days and counting until we cruise!

Post 65: brighter days ahead

Every day gets a little easier, but I'm still having daily crying sessions. I'm not sad, I'm just extremely disappointed. I'm disappointed in my dreams not coming true, and my life being on hold. I'm so afraid that I'll be stuck as an emotional wreck until I hold my child in my arms. I've imagined the day so many times, and it's heartbreaking to think that it might not ever happen. It's a dream I can't give up on, but also a dream I have no control over. Why is it that the people who long for children are the ones who struggle to have them? 

I think my mini breakthrough happened yesterday. My time in prayer really helped settle me, and gave me a sense of peace. I also talked with my nurse, Roxanne, and finally laughed for the first time since Friday. She asked about our cruise, and said that we'll be so relaxed when we return that it should definitely be our time for success. As much as I hope this is true, I know it's just going to be harder than ever if we have another failure. I don't know how much more I can take. I would never do anything that would cause physical harm, but I completely understand how people could. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and to keep it all together, but I know that it wouldn't take much for me to break. 

We have so much riding on this IVF cycle. We are so far in debt that we know it will be our last. It's so difficult to know that we may wake up in a nightmare, rather than seeing our dreams come to life. It's this possibility that is causing me so much grief. How do you let go of something when it's all you've ever wanted? When do you say enough is enough? How do you live with the decision? Do we adopt a child and always be bitter over the fact that we couldn't have a child of our own? Do we decide not to have children, and to live out our days as just man and wife? These are just a few of the nonstop questions that I've been struggling with this week. My brain is on overdrive, and I can't make it stop. 

Post 64: A Prayer to Heal the Broken

God,

Please take away this pain that I'm feeling. This sense of emptiness and longing. My soul is shattered, and I am broken. Help my tears to stop, and my heart to heal. Give me strength to make it through this day. Let me be the bigger person, and accept the situation. Please don't let it ruin me, or any relationships within my family. Surround me in Your grace, and help me to praise You through this storm. Please let the end be near, and for the storm to pass. Help me see the rainbow that is promised, and to keep my eyes turned to You. When all I want is to scream and cry, allow me to be calmed and reassured that You have a plan. Please make known to me the path which I am to follow. Guide me, Lord. 

Amen.

Post 63: Depression Sinking In

The news of my sister's pregnancy has sent me into a downward spiral. It's like kicking me while I was already down. All I want to do is cry. I'm going through the motions of daily life, but it's like I'm on autopilot. I'm not generally an emotional person, and this whole situation has thrown me for a loop. I don't know how to handle these feelings. I'll be ok for a little while, and then I'll remember that Sara's having a baby, and I'm right back to being depressed. When will it be my turn? Haven't I suffered enough? I know God promised that He would not allow pain without something new being born, but I never expected that it would be my pain and my niece or nephew being born. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I know I'm not in control, but after almost three years of negatives, don't I deserve happiness too? Believing that He will provide the desires of my heart is what is keeping me held together, but every pregnancy announcement and failed treatment makes it so hard. I just want to be a mother. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. Why, oh why, Lord, am I constantly being told to wait?