Post 65: brighter days ahead

Every day gets a little easier, but I'm still having daily crying sessions. I'm not sad, I'm just extremely disappointed. I'm disappointed in my dreams not coming true, and my life being on hold. I'm so afraid that I'll be stuck as an emotional wreck until I hold my child in my arms. I've imagined the day so many times, and it's heartbreaking to think that it might not ever happen. It's a dream I can't give up on, but also a dream I have no control over. Why is it that the people who long for children are the ones who struggle to have them? 

I think my mini breakthrough happened yesterday. My time in prayer really helped settle me, and gave me a sense of peace. I also talked with my nurse, Roxanne, and finally laughed for the first time since Friday. She asked about our cruise, and said that we'll be so relaxed when we return that it should definitely be our time for success. As much as I hope this is true, I know it's just going to be harder than ever if we have another failure. I don't know how much more I can take. I would never do anything that would cause physical harm, but I completely understand how people could. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and to keep it all together, but I know that it wouldn't take much for me to break. 

We have so much riding on this IVF cycle. We are so far in debt that we know it will be our last. It's so difficult to know that we may wake up in a nightmare, rather than seeing our dreams come to life. It's this possibility that is causing me so much grief. How do you let go of something when it's all you've ever wanted? When do you say enough is enough? How do you live with the decision? Do we adopt a child and always be bitter over the fact that we couldn't have a child of our own? Do we decide not to have children, and to live out our days as just man and wife? These are just a few of the nonstop questions that I've been struggling with this week. My brain is on overdrive, and I can't make it stop.