Post 63: Depression Sinking In

The news of my sister's pregnancy has sent me into a downward spiral. It's like kicking me while I was already down. All I want to do is cry. I'm going through the motions of daily life, but it's like I'm on autopilot. I'm not generally an emotional person, and this whole situation has thrown me for a loop. I don't know how to handle these feelings. I'll be ok for a little while, and then I'll remember that Sara's having a baby, and I'm right back to being depressed. When will it be my turn? Haven't I suffered enough? I know God promised that He would not allow pain without something new being born, but I never expected that it would be my pain and my niece or nephew being born. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I know I'm not in control, but after almost three years of negatives, don't I deserve happiness too? Believing that He will provide the desires of my heart is what is keeping me held together, but every pregnancy announcement and failed treatment makes it so hard. I just want to be a mother. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. Why, oh why, Lord, am I constantly being told to wait? 

Post 62: This day sucks

As I sit here trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming, I realize how badly I want to be a mother. I got to work this morning, and my sister told me that she had exciting news to share. She's having a baby. I'm completely numb. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I am angry. Not with my sister, but with the situation. My sister and I have been compared by my parents our entire lives, and my life in comparison always comes up short. I knew she was trying for a second child, and I've prayed and hoped that if it happened, ours would come first. My biggest fear was that we would be pregnant at the same time, and she'd steal my thunder, as has happened my entire life. The happiness associated with possible pregnancy is gone, all that's left is disappointment. 

I know that everyone who knows us both will say, "Congratulations - your sister's having a baby too, right?" Maybe it's selfish, but for once in my life, I wanted to be the one celebrated. I wanted to be the focus. Part of me wants to push back our next IVF cycle, but I know that I can't do it. Our issue is with my eggs, and every month makes them a little older and a little harder, so time is of the essence. I just hate that our kids will always be compared. I understand that our next cycle may not work, or the timing could get pushed back, but I have to keep believing that it'll happen quickly. 

I keep trying to be happy with the situation, but I am so angry. God promised to give us the desires of our hearts, but I am continually told to wait. I have a relationship with God, we attend church, give generously, and pray. We waited for marriage to have sex, and followed all the rules. My sister has none of these. I'm struggling so much with why she has been granted another child, while I am still longing for my first. Her baby is healthy, and has a strong heartbeat, and though she has some health concerns with a corpus luteum cyst, they expect everything to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I do not understand why I have to hurt so badly, and continually be in longing pain for a child, when they come naturally and so easily to others. 

The hardest part for me to handle is that she is due on our due date from the FET. She's having the baby we lost. We should have been the ones celebrating, but it just isn't happening. Why can't we have a baby? Why doesn't my body work? What is God trying to teach me from this? I'm tired of waiting. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. Why won't God let me have the desires of my heart as promised? 

Post 61: Ouch, ouch, ouch!!

Today, I was the recipient of an endometrial biopsy. Ouch. Did I say ouch? Ouch! Though the procedure was quick, it was not pleasant. However, Dr. Johnston was excellent, and explained the procedure beforehand, and everything went exactly as planned. She said I had a little irritation, possibly from yeast, but it could also be because I'm still in my period. So, for the procedure, they insert a speculum, swab and clean my insides, pass a tube into my uterus, and for 10 seconds, scrape my lining to gather a sample. I was lucky that it only took one pass. If she didn't gather enough tissue, then they would have repeated the scraping process. 

Hopefully, my results will come back normal, and there isn't any chronic inflammation. We should know in about a week. Until then, it's just a waiting game. The good part about this procedure is that it improves implantation rates, so here's to hoping the next set of embryos stick! 

Post 60: Follow Up

We officially have an attack plan for our next steps. Since our IVF and FET cycles both failed, and we're out of embryos, Shaun and I decided it was a good time for a break. My parents take us on a cruise each year, and it's typically our Christmas present. They'd put off booking the cruise until we had a better idea of our schedule. When we talked to our doctor, she encouraged us to take the month off, enjoy vacation, and we'll start the next IVF stimulation cycle the day we return. 

Dr. Johnston was really positive about our chances. She said taking the time to relax may be the best medicine she could order. She also has me scheduled for an endometrial biopsy next week. This procedure has two benefits. The first is that it can tell if my endometrium is chronically inflamed, preventing implantation; the second is that it causes injury to the uterus, which then has to heal itself. When this occurs, it makes the lining course, and improves implantation rates. She also decided that I'll start birth control with my next period, and take it for ten days before starting stimulation. My estrogen levels was really high after only eight days of stimulation, and she was concerned about OHSS - ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. In addition to the birth control, she's changing Lupron to a different medication to see if I respond dofferently, then my dosage of of menopur and gonal f will be reduced too. We're hoping that reducing the medication and including birth control will allow me to stim longer. We will also do ICSI on all of the eggs as I had a 100% fertilization rate with the process last time. 

So, my plan for now is to relax, and enjoy my time off. This is really the first break I've had since we started this process last March. So far, my relaxation had included watching three seasons of Gilmore Girls, doing all the laundry in the house, cooking two months of freezer meals, cleaning out the kitchen cabinets, and cleaning and rearranging our storge room and turning it into a usable guest room. Though it may not be most people's ideal relaxation technique, it is what works for me. A clean house is a relaxing environment. Until it's clean, I can't relax. I also know that with work, the cruise, and an upcoming cycle, that there will be little time for cleaning. By the end of the day, the house should be spotless, and I'll begin relaxing. 

Post 59: Beta Day

Another day, another blood test. I'm numb this morning. Shaun and I will head to the hospital after my shot to see if I'm pregnant. The test is done quickly, but it takes an hour for results. However, I know the result, and it's not going to be in my favor. I took a home pregnancy test this morning, and threw it away as soon as I peed on it, but I know it was negative. I have no symptoms at all, and have had this overwhelming feeling of negativity since the transfer. There's still a chance that it worked, and my numbers are too low to show on a home test, but I'm so depressed at this point that it's hard to remain positive. 

Once again, my HCG level was 0, so I am, indeed, not pregnant. As much as it stinks, I am relieved that I don't have to be shot tomorrow. My hips are so sore, bruised, and swollen, and my right butt cheek is completely numb.

 I believe that Shaun hit a nerve two days ago, which is causing the numbness. We have a follow-up phone conference with our doctor tomorrow to discuss our next steps. Our plan is to take some time off, but it will depend on how tomorrow's conversation goes. 

Post 58: Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone, and for the third year in a row, a baby was at the top of my list. Technically, I got a baby for Christmas with the FET; hopefully, it will stick around. Christmas is both happy and sad. It's wonderful to be surrounded by family and friends, and to see the joy in Lilly's eyes as she opens presents, but I can't help being depressed, wishing we were receiving or opening gifts for a child of our own. We've said for two years, Christmas will eventually be at our house, because Lilly will no longer be the only grandchild. Maybe next year will be the year.

Our Christmas celebrations started on Christmas Eve. We had breakfast at the farm with my parents, Angel, and her family, then headed to Angels house for lunch. When Angel asked what I'd like for Christmas, I requested chicken pot pie. I could not have picked a better present! After lunch, we headed to our house, where Shaun made dinner for the two of us and my parents. Dinner at our house has become a Christmas Eve tradition. Sara is always busy with Brandon's family, and Shaun's family is always in New Jersey, so for the past few years, we've celebrated by eating a nice dinner and watching a Christmas movie. This year's choice was Elf!

Christmas Day was spent at Sara's house, as usual. I do most of the cooking, she does the cleaning, and we all relax and try not to kill each other. Our doctor, David, and his family joined us again this year. It was great to see everyone, as we consider them part of our extended family. Very few questions were asked about how we were doing, but many well wishes and prayers were offered. 

All in all, this Christmas was low-key, and relaxing. There were no tears involved, other than Lilly who was in present overload, and everyone got along all day. I'm still missing my Christmas spirit, but hopefully, it will return in full force next year, when we have a child to celebrate. 

Post 57: FET

Well, for the second time in my life, I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise! Our FET yesterday went wonderfully!

Even the embryologist was nicer about our outcome. He said he didn't know why the first two embryos didn't work, but that my prognosis was really good based on my high AMH number which shows egg quality. Our appointment started right on time, and the procedure was over in about 15 minutes. 

I was so glad that Shaun got to go with me this time, so that he could see the embryo being transferred, it's still such a cool experience. I know the moment our child was formed in the womb. Hopefully, it will stay put, and stick around for the long haul! Also, we were given a few souvenirs yesterday, an ultrasound photo of our transferred embryo, and the tubes it was freezes in, which resemble Capri Sun straws in my opinion!