Post 59: Beta Day

Another day, another blood test. I'm numb this morning. Shaun and I will head to the hospital after my shot to see if I'm pregnant. The test is done quickly, but it takes an hour for results. However, I know the result, and it's not going to be in my favor. I took a home pregnancy test this morning, and threw it away as soon as I peed on it, but I know it was negative. I have no symptoms at all, and have had this overwhelming feeling of negativity since the transfer. There's still a chance that it worked, and my numbers are too low to show on a home test, but I'm so depressed at this point that it's hard to remain positive. 

Once again, my HCG level was 0, so I am, indeed, not pregnant. As much as it stinks, I am relieved that I don't have to be shot tomorrow. My hips are so sore, bruised, and swollen, and my right butt cheek is completely numb.

 I believe that Shaun hit a nerve two days ago, which is causing the numbness. We have a follow-up phone conference with our doctor tomorrow to discuss our next steps. Our plan is to take some time off, but it will depend on how tomorrow's conversation goes. 

Post 58: Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone, and for the third year in a row, a baby was at the top of my list. Technically, I got a baby for Christmas with the FET; hopefully, it will stick around. Christmas is both happy and sad. It's wonderful to be surrounded by family and friends, and to see the joy in Lilly's eyes as she opens presents, but I can't help being depressed, wishing we were receiving or opening gifts for a child of our own. We've said for two years, Christmas will eventually be at our house, because Lilly will no longer be the only grandchild. Maybe next year will be the year.

Our Christmas celebrations started on Christmas Eve. We had breakfast at the farm with my parents, Angel, and her family, then headed to Angels house for lunch. When Angel asked what I'd like for Christmas, I requested chicken pot pie. I could not have picked a better present! After lunch, we headed to our house, where Shaun made dinner for the two of us and my parents. Dinner at our house has become a Christmas Eve tradition. Sara is always busy with Brandon's family, and Shaun's family is always in New Jersey, so for the past few years, we've celebrated by eating a nice dinner and watching a Christmas movie. This year's choice was Elf!

Christmas Day was spent at Sara's house, as usual. I do most of the cooking, she does the cleaning, and we all relax and try not to kill each other. Our doctor, David, and his family joined us again this year. It was great to see everyone, as we consider them part of our extended family. Very few questions were asked about how we were doing, but many well wishes and prayers were offered. 

All in all, this Christmas was low-key, and relaxing. There were no tears involved, other than Lilly who was in present overload, and everyone got along all day. I'm still missing my Christmas spirit, but hopefully, it will return in full force next year, when we have a child to celebrate. 

Post 57: FET

Well, for the second time in my life, I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise! Our FET yesterday went wonderfully!

Even the embryologist was nicer about our outcome. He said he didn't know why the first two embryos didn't work, but that my prognosis was really good based on my high AMH number which shows egg quality. Our appointment started right on time, and the procedure was over in about 15 minutes. 

I was so glad that Shaun got to go with me this time, so that he could see the embryo being transferred, it's still such a cool experience. I know the moment our child was formed in the womb. Hopefully, it will stay put, and stick around for the long haul! Also, we were given a few souvenirs yesterday, an ultrasound photo of our transferred embryo, and the tubes it was freezes in, which resemble Capri Sun straws in my opinion! 

Post 56: Great lining, great day!

It's so nice to have a relaxing day with my BFF! The only thing that would have made it better is if there were no needles involved. However, my ultrasound and bloodwork both came back with great results, and I'm scheduled for our FET on December 22! I think the ultrasound tech was trying to kill me though. She checked my lining three times, and I'm pretty sure she was able to see my esophagus by the third scan. 

After the appointment, Angel and I headed to Charlotte to pick up mirrors for the studio, and to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Our first stop was IKEA! Shaun and I had our first IKEA experience a few months ago, and it was overwhelming, and not a lot of fun. However, IKEA with Angel was much more exciting! It's nice to shop with someone who also gets excited about tutu lamps and cheap kitchen tools! We sprinted through IKEA, picked up the mirrors, plus a few Christmas presents, then headed to Concord Mills Mall. Our goal was to find a Build-A-Bear, and after a marathon power walk, we finally found our store. We each picked up a few outfits for Christmas and birthdays, found a snack for dinner, and headed home. 

We talked, we laughed, we drank coffee, we ate cupcakes, and we had an awesome day! I am so lucky and blessed to have Angel in my life, and truly believe that God gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. I've needed a friend for so long, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. Don't get me wrong, I love my BFFs from college, and we talk regularly, and see each other as often as we can, but there's something about having a friend two minutes away that makes a huge difference. Throw in the fact that she actually understands what I'm going through with infertility, and a shared love of God, kids, food, and coffee, and it's easy to see why we get along so well! It's days like today that make me realize how truly blessed I am. I'm infertile, but I'm healthy, I'm surrounded by friends and family her love me wholeheartedly, and I know that one day I will be a mother. What more could I ask for?

Post 55: Crappy Hormones

I about had a breakdown in the middle of Belk today. I ran by the mall to check on the studio, to see if we could set up early since I have a doctor's appointment early tomorrow morning. The party in our room had just ended, so they told me to come back in a few hours so they'd have time to clean. I decided to look for Christmas presents since I had some time to kill. 

I started out looking for Shaun. I figured I'd find a shirt or sweater for him in Belk, and slowly started wandering through the store. I didn't find anything that piqued my interest, but decided to keep looking since there's still quite a few people on my list. I glanced through housewares, and then headed to the children's section to see if there were any good sales for Lilly. 

I was doing well with not thinking about the baby section until I came across this outfit. 

I fell in love with it, and it took everything in me to not buy it. Had it been in a larger size, I would have taken it home. I then realized that I needed a Christmas gift for my BFF, who just found out her baby is a girl. As I stared at the baby outfits, and thought of my friend being able to use them, I about lost it. The disappointment of not being a mother sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I was doing well, and was excited to look for the new baby, until I fell in love with the outfit, and was reminded of what I don't have. I think it may be time for another bathtub crying session. Crap. These hormones suck.

Post 54: Feeling Down

I believe I'm officially depressed. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I just can't shake. It's like I'm going through the motions, and keeping up appearances, but every little negative thing that happens is one more stab to the heart. I can feel the changes that are happening internally, and can tell that the happy person I once was is now damaged and heartbroken. I've stayed so positive and strong since the beginning of this, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Is it time to give up? Have I reached my limit? Will this be our last chance at happiness? These are the questions that are on constant replay in my mind. 

I should be excited that we're doing our FET in two weeks, but all I can think about is how we will be able to pay for another cycle of IVF if it fails. We're so far in debt at this point that I don't see a way out. Add in the stress of my dad wanting us to buy a house and get out of debt, and it's like the negatives keep piling on. I find myself avoiding family functions because I know they will end with a debate between my dad and myself over something small that blows up quickly. He will never understand our desire for a natural family, and keeps pushing us to adopt through foster care. I love my dad, but can't handle his attitude towards the life we're trying to build. No, we honestly can't afford any more treatments, we don't own a home, and we have a small amount of credit card debt, and a large amount of student loan debt, but it's our life, and we will live it as we see fit. I don't need someone reminding me of what we don't have. I need someone to encourage me, and remind me what we're working towards. I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok, that we will have a family one day, and it will all be worth it. 

Post 53: Christmas Spirit

My dance studio performed A Charlie Brown Christmas a few days ago, and I realized how much like Charlie Brown I have become. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas, which is usually one of my favorite things to do, and I'm just feeling a little down. I didn't pick up on the similarities between the story and how I've been feeling until I watched it unfold on stage. I really have been depressed lately, and my spirit is shattered after our failed IVF cycle.

I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm listening to Christmas carols, preparing themed lesson plans, and buying presents, but it's like I'm only going through the motions. I normally have my house decorated by early November, but we're two weeks away from Christmas, and I'm still not prepared. I set up our tree, but have yet to decorate it. I have not wrapped a single gift, and can't seem to get excited about this joyous season. 

I know I have so much to be thankful for, but the fear of letting go of my dream of becoming a mother is looming. Our FET is scheduled for December 22nd, and our pregnancy test is on the 30th. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will really have to reevaluate what comes next. Do we give up on our dream and start the adoption process, or continue to put my body through treatments that may lead to a child? Adoption will cost around $50,000, and another cycle of IVF will be $15,000. Neither is guaranteed to provide a child. If our last treatment fails, then this may be the hardest decision we've had to consider. 

Post 52: Response to posts

I have been overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses to my public post about our infertility journey! Over fifty people have reached out either publicly or privately to offer support, or to share similar stories. What touched me most were over abundance of women who privately shared their story, and thanked me for publicly sharing my struggle, because the words I said out loud they had been screaming internally for years. I received message after message from friends, family, and strangers, about how they've always wanted to say the words I posted, but couldn't find the courage, or just weren't ready to share yet. I'm hopeful that I can be a pillar for these women, and help them in any way possible - whether through additional posts to bring awareness to infertility, or as someone who keeps their secret, and is there for when they need to talk. I feel that this is where God has lead me, and for the first time in a long time, I can breathe easier, and not have to watch what I'm saying, or who I'm saying it to. I can be real, open, and honest, and maybe make a difference in someone's life. I see now that this was God's plan - to use me as a voice for those who can't speak. 

Post 51: Going Public

I've decided it's time to stop living in silence, and to publicly share our journey through infertility. I was waiting to share until we found out we were pregnant, but I really feel that God is leading me to share now. Maybe there's someone who needs to hear our story, and it will offer them encouragement. I'm not sure, but I feel it's time. I'm tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and am ready to start living life again.

I know I need words of encouragement, and am hopeful that my novella that I'm about to post on Facebook will help me to find peace with the entire situation. Below is what is being posted in the morning:

As we've officially passed the two and a half year mark of trying to have a baby, I feel it's time to share our struggle. I'm tired of keeping quiet, and dodging questions about when we're going to start a family. The question is asked on a regular basis, and I continually make excuses. The answer is, we have been trying, for a long time, and it doesn't always happen like you plan. I'm generally a private person, and don't like to share what's going on in my personal life. However, if there's someone else struggling with similar issues, then I want them to know they're not alone.

The first year of infertility is made up of hope. It can take a normal couple a year to get pregnant, so maybe there's nothing wrong. The second year is made up of tests - monthly, sometimes weekly or daily, bloodwork, ultrasounds, x-Rays, and more. The third year is made up of hormones and procedures. Since March, we've completed 6 rounds of Clomid, 3 IUI (intrauterine insemination), and an IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle, all of which have failed. This year alone we've invested around $20,000 in a child that has yet to come. However, we remain hopeful and positive, and pray continuously that we will receive our Christmas miracle, and our one remaining frozen embryo will work, or that God will set a new path towards becoming parents, and turn our hearts towards adoption. 

The struggle is silent. No one talks about infertility, and what happens when you don't get pregnant. Disappointment becomes a normal part of life, and you learn to manage your emotions and move on quickly. Anger, fear, and depression are always waiting on the sideline, and your faith is continually shaken. For example, last Wednesday we learned our IVF cycle failed. We transferred two healthy, growing embryos, and neither of them worked. We got the results early in the morning, I cried for the first time in years, spent the entire day in prayer, and taught six hours of dance class that afternoon, because life can't stop because your world has. Holidays are hard for anyone struggling with infertility, and Thanksgiving will always be a reminder of the loss of our babies. 

Prayer has become constant throughout our journey. Prayers begging for this to be the month, prayers of acceptance when it isn't, and prayers for what to do next. Prayers of thanksgiving, and prayers of outrage wondering why. I struggled most with the question of "why." Until a few weeks ago, our infertility was unexplained. There was no medical reason to why we were unable to have a baby. We followed the rules, remained abstinent until marriage, lived a healthy lifestyle, and couldn't have a baby. We now know that I have endometriosis, but since I didn't really have any signs or symptoms, there was no way of knowing the severity until my egg retrieval a few weeks ago. 

For most couples, it takes a village to raise a child; for us, it takes a village to make a child. Our doctors, nurses, and medical teams have been awesome both with Access Health and Wake Forest, and they are working together to make our dream a reality. If I've been running late or missed a day of work or dance class, it's most likely because I've been with a doctor. I'm being monitored at Wake Forest at least once a week due to the daily injectable medications I've been taking, and will continue to do so for the next few weeks or months. Also, most of our vacations have been cover stories for surgeries and procedures, and I've been on bed rest or couch rest for the past six weeks, which is why I haven't been participating fully in dance class. However, I know the dance studio is in good hands, and we are so blessed to have an amazing staff that keeps the studio running in our absence. 

My friends, family, and faith in God have kept me going. I know that God has a plan for our lives, and that He will provide the desires of our heart. I feel my relationship with God has grown over the past 30 months, and I am a stronger person now than I have ever been. Shaun and I have learned to lean on each other, and trust God, even when we don't get the answer we want or hope for. We've learned to praise God through the storm, and to listen, and wait. Waiting is the hardest part. However, we prayed for a clear sign about what to do next, and I woke up singing the Brandon Heath song lyrics, "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet." I can't think of a clearer answer to our question. We know we will have a baby, but that it is not in our control. We just have to wait, keep praying and believing, and one day (hopefully soon), God will provide. 

So, please stop asking when we are going to start a family, and unless you're in the select group that has known for quite a while, please don't ask for updates about how it's going. All this does is remind us that we still don't have a baby. We promise we will let you know when there's news to share, and will update as we feel ready. Part of the reason we've kept quiet for so long is that we don't want people to look at or treat us differently. We are still the same people, please treat us as such. And please, pretty please, stop asking young married couples when they are going to start their families, because most likely, they already have. 

If you're struggling with infertility, or have questions about our journey, please contact us. I would have loved to have had someone local to ask questions to about IUI and IVF, and I would not have made it this far without one of my BFFs who went through a similar situation. I feel that God blessed us with infertility so that we may help others struggling and questioning His plan. We are ready to let God use us to help others, and will no longer suffer in silence. 

Post 50: When are you having kids?

After silently struggling with infertility, I will never ask anyone, "When are you having kids?" I've been asked this question more times than I care to think about, and always fumble over my words to come up with an excuse. Why do we do this though? Why don't we just tell everyone what we're going through, even if we only say it to shut them up! 

So, I should probably apologize to the next person that asks me when I plan of having children, because I'm tired of giving my normal answer. If it's someone I know well, I think I'm now going to say something among these lines: "Do you want the real answer or the cover story? The cover story is that we're thinking about having children, but are trying to find the right timing with the dance studio so we don't have to shut down for my absence. The real answer is that we've been trying for 2.5 years, with over a year of unsuccessful fertility treatments, including a lot of testing, 6 rounds of clomid, 3 IUI, IVF, and soon to be a FET. We've invested over $20,000 this year in TTC, and we may never be able to have children." I think that this statement may get people to stop asking questions! 

Post 49: After Disappointment

The day I found out our first IVF treatment failed I cried harder than I ever have in my entire life.  The tears wouldn't stop.  We were in the middle of a snow storm, and had borrowed my parent's truck to make it to the hospital, and I had to drop Shaun off at work as soon as we got the negative results.  I made it home before the tears started to fall, but as soon as I stepped inside the house, it was a non-stop snot-fest.  I decided the best thing to do was to take a bath, which I hadn't been able to do in weeks due to the procedures.  I cried for a solid two hours, talking with God, and begging Him to help my pain, and to continue to trust him.  This was the first time I had cried in over two years.  I was determined that this was going to work, and was, again, wrong.  Around noon, I knew I had to pull myself together.  I had a full day of dance classes to teach, and family members were about to arrive for Thanksgiving. I spent the morning pouring my heart out to God and my best friend, Angel, and made all of the calls that were necessary to inform my family that we'd failed at getting pregnant, again.  I asked them to please treat me normally, because if they looked at me with puppy dog eyes, I would burst into tears, and I couldn't let my guard down at the studio.  My students and their families do not know that we have been TTC, and I didn't want them to find out by having a breakdown.

I've decided that I have a pretty good poker face, because I made it through six hours of dance class, and four hours of family time, without a single tear falling.  I started texting Angel after class, and had one of the most heartfelt conversations of my life.  Angel struggled with infertility, and now has two beautiful children.  She gets the frustration, and has been my rock and foundation through everything.  She's my champion, prayer warrior, and friend, and she helped me to work through the results, and reminded me to look to God, and keep believing in Him, even when I don't get the answers I want.  Our conversation lasted well over two hours, and by the time I was ready for bed, I was beyond exhausted.  I had a sense of calm when I climbed into bed, and I rolled over to hold onto Shaun.  As I began to pray, the tears returned.  It's so difficult to praise God, and thank Him for the wonderful day He has provided us with, when you're so upset over losing a child.  I know that some people will say that the embryos were not really children, but to an individual going through IVF or infertility, they most definitely are.

I prayed harder the day of the pregnancy test, and the days following, than I have in a long time.  First prayers begging for the test to be positive, and for us to have a healthy baby, then prayers of desperation when the test was negative, prayers of strength to make it through the day, and prayers asking to help me accept the things that I cannot change.  The tears started to flow, and I thanked God for the blessings that He has bestowed upon me, and for my constant support system with Shaun and Angel, and asked that He clearly show me what to do next.  I don't believe that the desire to have my own child will ever disappear, but I asked God to please show me His plan. I needed a clearer sign.  If I was supposed to give up, and look towards foster care or adoption, then I wanted the desire inside of me to change.  I prayed, and begged for God to reveal his plan in my life.  I also reminded myself that I am not in control, and that God will grant the desires of my heart when the time is right.

I must have cried all night in my sleep, because my eyes were sore, and achy when I awoke.  However, when I woke, God answered my prayers.  I rarely wake up with something running through my head, but the morning after the test, I literally woke up singing.  The words that came out of my mouth were by Brandon Heath.  A song that I hadn't heard or thought of in a long time - "Wait and See."  I was awoken by the words, "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see.  He's not finished with me yet."  I've never felt such a sense of calm.  I know that He's not finished with me yet, and that I need to trust God's timing.  I will have the child my heart desires, and the child will be flesh of my flesh.  I just have to wait on God, and that's what I plan to do.

Post 32: Holy Cow that's a LOT of Needles!

My medications for IVF were delivered today, and I'm a bit overwhelmed! There's so many drugs, and needles, did I mention the needles?

I spoke with the pharmacy yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised when they reviewed the cost for each medication. Our estimate for one cycle of IVF was $2500 for medications. However, thanks to our awesome drug coverage through our instance, we only had to pay $286.89! I did a happy dance in the middle of a shoe store when the pharmacy told me the news. 

Here's a rundown of what was delivered, and the out of pocket cost:

1) 50 alcohol swabs (free)

2) 50 18 gauge needles (free)

3) 1 sharps container (free)

4) 30 29 gauge needles (free)

5) 20 30 gauge needles (free) 

6) 10 menopur injections - 75 units ($100)

7) 8 methylpred 8 mg ($4)

8) 40 doxycycline 100 mg ($4)

9) 2 gonal-f kits 1050 units (free)

10) 1 leuprolide kit 1 mg ($174.89)

11) 20 progesterone injections 50 mg ($4)

12) 30 22 gauge needles (free)

13) 1 pregnyl trigger shot 10000 units (free)

I'm a little concerned that there are 130 needles waiting to be injected! I should probably enjoy sitting while I still can!

Post 47: Transfer day!

It's finally happened! I am officially pregnant with twins! I know that they may not stick, but for today, and until proven otherwise, I am officially pregnant! Shaun wasn't able to go to the transfer with me, so my best friend, Angel, took me to the appointment. I believe our friendship is on an entirely different level now. She was able to be in the room with me, and while I was in stirrups, getting ready, she was my champion and prayer warrior by my side. She got to watch as they carried in the embryos, and placed them in my uterus. It's an amazing process to watch, but also a process that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Transfer day was beyond exciting and nerve wracking.  My directions were to arrive at the doctor's office at 1:45, drink 20 ounces of water starting at 1:30, and that the procedure would start at 2:00.  We arrived right on time, I drank my water, and the procedure was postponed for about an hour.  They finally called us back to discuss the procedure, and the quality of my embryos.  I don't think I had ever been more nervous.  The embryologist came into the room to introduce himself, and he began to make me even more nervous.  He started talking, and the first words out of his mouth were, (please read this with a very heavy Asian accent):  "You make a me so nervous, I so worried about your embryos.  You so young.  You should have lots of blastocysts, but you only has three.  Girl before you had 18.  We no think your embryos become blastocysts, but this morning they did.  I no tell you the quality, but they where they should be.  Here's the picture of your two blastocysts.  The bottom one is better than the top one.  Top one has fragmentation, bottom one doesn't.  Your embryos all so fragmented, like you old.  You definitely have endometriosis, and it affects eggs. Your eggs so dark, and shells so hard.  Can't believe you only have three, you make a me nervous."

After the conversation, we were told to go back to the waiting room.  About ten minutes later, they took me to the transfer room.  I was instructed to get naked from the waist down, and to cover myself with a sheet.  Once I was in position, Dr. Johnston came into the room, with the ultrasound tech, our nurse, Roxanne, and the embryologist.  Angel was told to stand next to me, and every time we made eye contact I started laughing.  When the procedure started, they placed the speculum, then the catheter, and using the ultrasound to guide the position, they injected the blastocysts into my uterus.  It has to have been one of the coolest experiences of my life, and Angel was just as in awe as I was.  The ultrasound screen was blank, then there were two bright, white, shining lights.  I was officially pregnant!  

They had me stay upside down on the table for about twenty minutes, then I was instructed to head home, and take it easy for a few days.  My pregnancy test was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving, with a follow up test on Black Friday.  

Post 48: Hard Day

Today was my first beta test, and the results were never in my favor. Though we transferred two beautiful blastocysts, neither of them took, and my hcg level was 0 this morning. At minimum, it should have been 50, or at least had something register on the test scale, but apparently my uterus and blastocysts don't get along well. The worst part is that I have to entertain all week, after one of the largest disappointments in my life. I've wanted children since I was a child, and I know I was born to be a mom, but I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever experience pregnancy. I want the morning sickness, the achy joints, and the exhaustion. I want to experience having a child growing inside me, and giving birth. I've wanted these things for so long, and my strength is wearing thin. We're officially on cycle 30 now, and though I can no longer say that I've never been pregnant, since they put in two healthy embryos, I still am not a mother. I'm holding out hope that we will have a child eventually, and that it will be from my own flesh. I know that God would not place this desire so strongly in my heart if it wasn't meant to be, but I'm becoming impatient. There's a 90% chance of taking home a baby after three rounds of IVF, so we still have hope, and I know that God will provide. 

Post 46: Let's Get This Party Started!

The day is here - egg retrieval!! I'm checked in, my IV is started, and now we're just waiting on the doctor to arrive. The procedure should start at 10:00AM, and will be over in about 20 minutes. I'll update once I'm out of surgery!

Surgery went well, and they retrieved 14 eggs!  However, I was told that the eggs were darker than they should have been, and that they were going to do ICSI on more than originally planned.  My inability to sleep also affected the ability to be put to sleep, and I ended up having twice the amount of sedatives as normal, and had a very nice nap.  

However, after waking up, they asked if I was ready to stand, so they could mark the location for my progesterone in oil shots (which suck by the way).  I moved to the edge of the bed, and told the nurse that I was still really dizzy.  She asked me to go ahead and stand up, and to support myself on Shaun.  About the time I threw my arms around him, I blacked out.  The next thing I knew, I was back in bed, surrounded by nurses, and they were talking about my blood pressure.  I ended up having to stay a little longer than I had hoped, but we were still on the road by lunch time.  In the days following surgery, extra strength tylenol and a heating pad became my best friends.  I was extremely sore, bloated, and crampy for the first few days, then was back to my normal self.

The day after retrieval, I received a phone call from the embryologist, updating me about the fertilization rate of my eggs.  Of the 14 eggs retrieved, 8 were fertilized with ICSI, and 6 were fertilized with traditional IVF.  The difference between ICSI and traditional IVF is that with ICSI, a tiny hole is drilled in the egg, and a high quality sperm is placed inside the hole, in hopes of fertilization.  With traditional IVF, one egg is placed in a dish with 50,000 sperm, in hopes that one sperm penetrates the egg.  Of the two different styles, 7 out of 8 ICSI eggs were fertilized normally, and began growing, but only 1 of 6 traditional IVF eggs fertilized normally and began to grow.  However, we still had 8 embroys, which is a pretty good number.

My day three report from the embryologist was not quite what I was expecting.  I was hoping for all eight fertilized eggs to be growing quickly.  I expected some changes, but still hoped that we had quite a few good eggs remaining.  However, when I received the call, I was told that we had all eight embryos remaining, but that three were above average quality, one was average quality, and four were below average quality.  The quality of the embryos plays a part in the implantation statistics.  A below average quality embryo doesn't necessarily mean that it can't or won't turn into a beautiful, healthy child, it just means that it's not quite as likely as a higher quality embryo.  I was also instructed that we would be doing a day five transfer with my eggs.

Post 45: Shot free!

I'm probably more excited than I should be over a shot free day! I had my trigger shot yesterday evening at 9:30 on the dot, and today and tomorrow I only take my antibiotic. I guess the trade off for tomorrow is that I have surgery, but I'll take it! 

Post 44: So many!

We're in the middle of our third monitoring appointment, and are officially up to 27 follicles - 14 on the right, 13 on the left! Holy cow! The ultrasound tech said I looked just about ready for retrieval!

We talked with our doctor, and they're moving up our timeline! We trigger on Tuesday, then have our retrieval on Thursday! I'm beyond excited, and I get two entire days without shots! Woohoo!

Post 43: Flashbacks

So I've discussed it with my friends, but never really on my blog or with my family. As a child, I always played with dolls. Plural. Dolls. I would carry around an armful of babies, all the time. Also, I've always expected myself to have multiples. So this reality of IVF, and the significant increase in the chance of multiples, almost feels like we've come full circle. 

One of the oddest things is that I have vivid memories of a movie from when I was a child. I don't remember the full plot, but I clearly remember that it was about infertility, and the couple went through a procedure where the woman's legs were up in the air, and there were big needles involved! Well, low and behold, I believe I found the movie today, and it gets a little crazier! The movie was, "Maybe Baby," staring Hugh Laurie.  

I've been trying to find this movie for quite a while, to see if it really did exist. To make it more ironic, the couple in the movie suffers from the same diagnosis that we have, which is unexplained infertility. Also, the wife writes about her journey, just as I am. Furthermore, the name of the movie is also the name of my blog...Maybe Baby. I couldn't have planned it even if I tried.

It could all just be coincidence, but I really find it odd that this movie stuck out to me for so many years. I'm expecting that I saw this originally when I was in middle school. I had mono, and was on home bound for three months. I watched a lot of lifetime movies at the time, and the movie was released around the same time. So maybe it is just a random moment in my life that I remember, or maybe I've been preparing for this all along, which explains why I haven't had any major breakdowns since we started this process. Hopefully, our first IVF cycle will be successful, and my blog can turn to parenthood!

Post 42: Holy Cow!

Our second ultrasound appointment at Wake Forest was shocking! I've been through more ultrasounds than I care to think about, so I'm used to seeing the follicles on the screen. Typically there's maybe five on each side of varying sizes, and one or two dominant follicles. Yesterday, Shaun and I stared in amazement as the ultrasound tech found twenty-three large follicles! There were thirteen dominant follicles, five on the right, and eight on the left, and multiple smaller follicles. The twenty-three that she counted were on track to be harvested next week!  This definitely explains my bloated stomach.

Also, my blood work came back, and my estrogen level was at 552, which is much higher than a regular estrogen level (150), but is in line with IVF treatments, when the levels can get to 4000. However, my number was progressing a little quicker than they wanted, so they're changing the dosage of my gonal-f. So, now I'm taking 187 IU gonal-f (dropped from 225 IU), 75 IU menopur, 5 IU Lupron (dropped from 10 IU when I started stims), 100 mg doxycycline twice a day, and 81 mg aspirin. I am officially a druggie! 

The current game plan is to go back to Wake Forest on Monday and Wednesday of next week for monitoring, then they'll do my egg retrieval either Thursday or Friday, depending on how I've progressed. So, only one more week until retrieval, then five more days until transfer! The end is near!

Post 41: All about that bloat, bout that bloat, no baby

Three days of hyper ovarian stimulation, and almost I'm ready to give in. I'm bloated to about the belly of a 10 week pregnant woman, and am pretty uncomfortable. The antibiotics are wreaking havoc on my colon, so I'm running to the bathroom on a continual basis. And, I will be making a trip to Wake Forest today for monitoring. That's at leas six hours in a car for a ten minute appointment. I was supposed to be monitored by David, but we missed the first appointment because of the ER visit, and he can't get the blood work results back the same day, which is easential for monitoring. Therefore, I get to spend the day driving, with a bloated, unhappy stomach. Right now I'm just hoping for the right number of eggs! Too few and they could cancel, too many and they could cancel. Let's hope they find what they're looking for today! If you couldn't tell by the tone of today's entry, I think it's safe to say that the hormones are officially in over drive.

Post 40: Another day, another ER visit

I've decided my ovaries hate me. Ok, so really it's just my right ovary, and more specifically, the small endometrioma. I'm yet again in the ER for a ruptured cyst. I believe this is my forth month in a row that this has happened. Yay!

So, here's my list so far:

14 shots of Lupron

8 Transvaginal ultrasounds

6 rounds of clomid

6 day 21 progesterone screenings 

4 ER visits

3 abdominal ultrasounds

3 IUI
1 HSG

1 soon to be IVF

All I'm missing is a partridge in a pear tree...oh yea, and a baby! 

Post 39: Shot Thoughts

Though we're only twelve days into my ivf schedule, and I still have around 8-10 weeks of daily shots remaining if I become pregnant, I'm already beginning to dread 9:00PM! My stomach is sore, and frankly, they just hurt. We've tried different positions, areas, temperatures, and nothing seems to help. Luckily, it only takes about two minutes from start to finish, but regardless, it's not much fun. 

My sister and I have been helping my parents clean out their attic, and purge a great deal of "stuff" that has no important value. Today, we went through old books and bibles, and I found so many things that I needed to read. The first was from an old Public Health book, from 1920, called "A Child's Day," by Woods Hutchinson. 

The second was from a bible that was given to my grandmonther on her 21st birthday, May 24th, 1950:

These two pieces reminded me that I have to keep trying, and that all of the shots will be worth it. I have to stay positive, and believe that it will work - have faith, and keep hoping! I will be a mother, and Shaun will be a father, in God's time.

Post 38: One Week Down

It's officially been one week since I started injections, and now the waiting game begins. I'm waiting for my period to start, waiting for my first ultrasound, waiting for the next round of drugs, waiting for the retrieval, waiting for the transfer, and finally, waiting to see if it worked. The Lupron injections haven't been that bad. The needle is tiny, but I've noticed the more injections I'm given, the more tender I'm becoming. Each injection hurts a little worse than the last. My side effects include an increased appetite (I'm eating at least 5 meals each day), insomnia (only sleeping 3-4 hours), exhaustion, and bloating. My stomach looks like I'm in the early stages of pregnancy, but I guess if this works, I kind of am!

According to my schedule from Wake Forest, my period should start today. Though I'm a very scheduled person, I'm not sure if they've gotten it right or not. I typically have a 28-30 day cycle, and today is day 27. I guess I'll just wait and see! I think this is the first time in over two years that I'm excited for my period to start, because I know that I'll be one step closer to becoming a parent.

Post 37: Halloween Dance

Our first annual Halloween ball was awesome! 

Our studio partnered with the YMCA, and a great time was had by all. I was pleasantly surprised that David and his entire family joined us for the evening. We got to talk briefly about our upcoming IVF treatments, and the protocol I'm following. 

And to top off the night, I got to sneak down to the YMCA office for my nightly Lupron shot. Not exactly the best part of my night, but it'll all be worth it in the end, and it ensures that I will always have a memory of our first Halloween ball. 

Post 36: Holy Shot!

The day is here! We officially start our medications tonight. We just left med teach (shot class as I like to call it) and are ready to go. We spent about 90 minutes learning how to correctly mix the medications and shoot me. Eek! Shaun said he's ready to go, but I'm a little concerned with the smile he had on his face during class. 

Is this the face you want shooting you each day? I guess it could be worse, and he could look terrified, or not show up like the husband of the other couple in the class with us. 

We also had to pay today for the entire IVF cycle, and I'm pretty sure my heart stopped when I handed over my parent's credit card. I definitely think raising a child will be cheaper than making one. But, $10,628 later, we're ready to go. We will get reimbursed for some of the expenses, and will be charged extra for a few unlisted items. However, this amount was the estimate. They're going to allow us to be monitored by David rather than driving to Winston Salem every 3 days. This will not only save us money on the IVF cycle, but also on our hotel costs and our gas expenses. 

In order to celebrate our milestone in our IVF joruney, we gave up the diet for the day. So far, we've had Krispy Kreme, Waffle House, Japanese, and a very large cheesecake cupcake. Yum! Back to the avocado tomorrow, but for today, we feast! 

Post 35: T-1 Week

Woke up this morning and peed on yet another OPK, and it was positive! My protocol was to start testing on OPK on day 10 of my cycle, and when the OPK was positive, to call our nurse, Roxanne for instructions. I usually don't ovulate on my own until day 14-16 of my cycle, but it looks like my eggs are ready to get the show on the road, as it's only cycle day 13! From experience, I would expect my OPK to be darker tonight, or possibly tomorrow morning, but I still think it's plenty dark enough to be considered positive. Take a look at the progression from days 10-13.

Today's test line is almost identical in color to the control line. I've seen my test line get darker than the control line on a few occasions though, so I might be jumping the gun, but only by a few hours, which I don't expect to make a huge amount of difference. Only two hours until I can call Roxanne, and one week until we start daily injections.

Post 34: Thoughts for the day

About a week ago, Shaun and I started cleaning out drawers, going through clothes, and organizing cabinets. When we opened "that drawer" we had a long conversation about whether it was appropriate to donate condoms to the local food pantry, or if we should just throw them away. Obviously, anything out of date was trashed, and seeing as we've been condom free for over two years at this point, we trashed quite a few. We eventually decided that donating condoms was a good public health practice, as someone may not be able to afford them otherwise, and (I'm laughing at my current situation as I type this) they may help someone prevent an unwanted pregnancy! Oh the irony!

We had all of the remaining condoms in a bag, and I was getting ready to donate them, when something inside of me said to wait. I'm really glad I kept them, because part of our IVF protocol includes using protection when having sex while on all of the fertility medications. Now, does anyone else see the irony in this statement? Use protection when trying to get pregnant, even though we've had unprotected sex for over two years, and haven't gotten pregnant! When you think about it, it does make sense. One of the drugs I've been prescribed is a Class X medication, and can seriously harm a growing fetus, and there are a few other Class D medications as well. When taking fertility drugs, the side effects are scary, and as my sister says,: "they may cause life, may cause death!" Hopefully, with the aid of many medications, a new life (or two) will be achieved soon!

Post 33: Baby Diet

I've slowly been changing my eating habits in the off chance that the old wives tales actually work! However, it is so expensive to eat healthy foods on a daily basis. My normal grocery bill is around $80/week for the two of us - this includes three chickens, three pounds of ground beef, pork chops, deli meat, bread, and salad mix. Today I spent $150, and barely have any food, and essentially no meat! I do have avocado (yuck), Brazil nuts, walnuts, beans, coconut water, whole grain bread, and a variety of fruits and veggies. The only meat I ended up with was ham and turkey for sandwiches, and a thick piece of ham for soup. I really hope this works, and I'm not eating rabbit food for no reason. It's crazy what we are willing to try when TTC. 

Post 31: It just got real!

After almost five hours at Wake Forest today, we are officially on our way to starting a family through IVF! We arrived about an hour before our appointment to complete paperwork, and it took almost an hour to complete. We answered more questions than I knew existed. Everything from medications and vaccinations to my menstruation data and family history. If I've sneezed in the past 26 years of life, they know about it. 

After paperwork was completed, we were taken to the consultation room where we met with two residents. They took a full history, and we discussed my prior treatments. With Shaun and I both bring healthy adults with no risk factors, they decided we were in the odd category where they don't know what's wrong or why we haven't conceived on our own. When they'd asked all of their questions, they consulted with our reproductive endocrinologist, or RE for short, Dr. Erika Johnston-MacAnanny.

Our doctor is awesome, and not only spent over an hour talking with us and answering our questions, but she also performed my ultrasound. Though IVF was the recommended treatment plan, there were other options offered, including:

1) increase our clomid dosage and try another round of IUI, but since three cycles of IUI failed, it's not likely that it'll work 

2) undergo a laparoscopy to get a better look at the small endometrioma that we've been watching for a few months, which includes anesthesia, intubation, and surgery, and may not show anything helpful

3) change to injectable medicines and try timed intercourse or IUI, which will only increase our chances of conception by about 5%

Once we heard our options, it strengthened our decision to start IVF! Once the decision was made, I was whisked away to ultrasound to look at the endometrioma, and to check my follicles. Since I'm not in any pain, we decided not to remove the endometrioma at this time, especially since it hasn't grown much in the past year. 

After the ultrasound, we met with someone to discuss finances, and were given our orientation packet. One cycle of IVF is estimated to be $11,000. They would like to perform ICSI on half of the eggs retrieved, which means that they'll crack my eggs and put Shaun's sperm directly into it to ensure fertilization. This process will be an additional $1200-$1600 depending on how many eggs are retrieved. There's also a $900 charge for cryopreservation - the process of freezing any fertilized eggs that aren't transferred during IVF. Medications are also not included in the estimate, and they are estimated to be around $2500. So, in total, one cycle will cost approximately $17000, and the money is due up front! 

After finances, we met with our goto nurse, Roxy. If we have any questions, at any point, we are to call Roxy.  With this meeting, we looked at a calendar and estimated when we should start trainings and medications. In order to start IVF, we have to go through a medical teaching class where we learn more about IVF, specifically how to mix and administer drugs legally! 

We have our training on October 21st, and should start our first series of injections the same week! We discussed which medications I'll be taking, but the meeting was extremely brief since Roxy will be leading the training in two weeks. When we'd finished our meeting with Roxy, we were sent for blood work. Shaun and I both had to be tested for sexually transmitted infections due to FDA regulations, and I had additional tests, such as my AMH level to check egg quality. The photo below shows Shaun's required blood work on the top, and mine on the bottom. Every sticker was a different test, and a different vial.

They took around 12 vials of blood from my arm, and a urine sample.  After blood work, we were finished with our first appointment. We celebrated by going to IKEA and Dave & Busters in Charlotte. 

Only a few days until we get started! Fingers crossed that this works, and we conceive a healthy pregnancy on the first try! 

Post 30: Two Year Mark

We'd passed the two year cycle mark a few months ago, but today marks two calendar years of TTC. We're officially at 24 calendar months, and 28 cycles, and I have yet to see two lines on a pregnancy test. It also signifies the anniversary of my moms diagnosis of frontal temporal dementia, and her 57th birthday. It's a sad day, but we celebrate joyously. We're blessed that my mother is still functioning unassisted, and though her conversations are not as detailed, she is, essentially, the same woman she's always been. I am beyond grateful to still have both of my parents, and am thankful for every day God gives me with them. My mom is my rock, and has been a wonderful support system. On the plus side, I can tell her the same story ten times, and it's always new to her!

Post 29: Avocad-oh!

I've spent the last week trying to find a way to eat avocado in a way that doesn't taste like avocado. I'd planned on making brownies based on a pinterest recipe (1 boxes brownie mix and 1 mashed avocado), but when I looked through my cabinets, I was all out of brownie mix. What I did find was a bag of gingerbread cookie mix. I figured it had to be similar to brownies, so I made up a recipe, and it worked! It even, gasp, tastes great! 

I started by mashing a full avocado until it was as smooth as it could be. Then I slowly began adding the cookie mix. I knew there was more mix than there would have been with the brownies, so made sure to watch the texture. I then realized that I didn't want to waste the rest of the mix, so I threw in the rest, added an egg and two tablespoons of water, and viola, baby poop cookie dough! 

I dropped the cookie dough by spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet, and baked them at 375 for 10 minutes. I ended up with a pretty awesome cookie, and I only have to eat eight of them to equal half an avocado! I'd highly recommend this recipe to anyone trying to sneak veggies into their diet. You can't taste or see the avocado at all, and the cookies are really moist and fluffy. I'll definitely make these again! 

Post 28: Holy Guacamole...I Still Hate Avocado

After three days of force feeding myself avocados, I still don't like them. After my first attempt at a turkey, cheese, and avocado sandwich, I decided to get a little more creative. Day 2 of the gross green diet included homemade taco chicken taquitos with an organic guacamole dipping sauce. I didn't like it, but I ate it! It did make me feel better though when my husband said I picked an awful tasting guacamole. Maybe there's hope for me yet, and I'll find, or make, the perfect guac eventually. 

Today's avocado endeavor included an avocado dressing with cucumbers, yellow tomatoes, and red peppers. The good news is it didn't taste anything like avocado, the bad news is I have to eat six cups of it to equal my daily 1/2 avocado. 

The gross-looking slimy, egg hold consistency sauce didn't look too appealing, but the flavor was pretty good. For the dressing, I took 1/2 an avocado and mashed it until it resembled a paste, then added about 2-3 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil, and a packet of Italian dressing seasoning. I ate this with crackers, and I didn't hate it, so that's a plus!  

My next recipe, straight from pinterest, could go either way - Avocado brownies. Doesn't that just scream deliciousness? Supposedly you can take a boxed brownie mix and add a whole, mashed avocado and viola, brownies!  Maybe I'll add my daily does of walnuts to the mix for a little crunch. Ugh, this may end badly. 

Post 27: Avocado...gross

Oh, the things we do when we're baby crazy! As were preparing for IVF, I'm trying to really work on my diet. I'm a pretty healthy person. I exercise a lot between the YMCA and the dance studio, don't drink caffeine, and I cook most of our meals. However, we still eat quite a bit of fast food, and this week I finished almost an entire dozen Krispy Kreme chocolate iced glazed donuts! But, it was the first unmedicated month I've had since February, and my last chance to splurge before IVF. I've been reading all sorts of books about IVF, and thought I don't normally believe in them, I'm starting to follow as many old wives tales as I can find. I figure it can't hurt, and if constantly wearing socks and only drinking room temperature beverages can increase my chances of pregnancy, then I'm all for it!

Let me start out by saying how much I hate avocado - I think I'd rather eat dirt! However, every book that I've read about IVF prep says that avocados are super foods, and you should try to eat half of an avocado each day while going through the IVF process. Since I hate avocados so much, I decided to start working it into my diet before starting IVF to let my body, and tastebuds, adjust! 

I began by asking my friends and family how they like to eat avocados. I was given many suggestions, including mixing it into a salad, or making guacamole, but the one thing that everyone said was to put it on a sandwich in place of mayonnaise or mustard. So, today at lunch, I decided to do just that. I stopped at a grocery store, bought an avocado, and at lunchtime, I smashed it, and spread it on my sandwich. I also followed my sisters advice and melted the cheese on my sandwich to help disguise the consistency. What I ended up with was a nasty looking turkey and cheese sandwich, with way too much avocado for my liking. 

I forced myself to eat the entire sandwich, and added in some cool ranch Doritos to help mask the flavor. In conclusion, I still hate avocado, and melted cheese does not improve the texture at all. Maybe this old wives tale should be put to rest, because I don't think I can force myself to eat avocado every day for the next six weeks! 

Post 26: Feng Shui

As part of my acupuncture treatments, my doctor asked if I had changed anything in our bedroom lately. I replied, "only the sheets," and was told that we needed to change something to help reset my internal clock. It could be as simple as a new pillow or bedspread, but she really wanted us to rearrange the furniture. So 24 hours later, we did just that! We moved the bed and chest of drawers, and changed our comfortor to our warm, winter quilt. We also managed to find around 20-30 cat toys hidden under furniture! 

I'm not sure if the feng shui is correct, but it's worth a try. I'm now sleeping around four hours each night, which is a pretty good improvement considering I was only averaging two to three hours each night before starting acupuncture. I knew that it wouldn't be an overnight change, and to expect it to take time, and, I think, little by little I'm making progress. 

Post 25: Peed on Sticks

I lasted longer than I thought I would, two full weeks, but I ended up peeping on an OPK this morning. I planned on taking the month off, not charting or tracking data, or peeing on sticks, but that didn't last long! I decided this morning to at least track ovulation since it's been so long since my body's had to do it unassisted. The test was negative, but should be positive soon. I was also afraid that if I didn't track it this month, then they may ask me about it at our IVF consultation and I wouldn't have an answer. So, here I go, again, peeping on sticks. 

Post 24: Feelin' Funky

I've found myself in a funk lately. My "get up and go" has gotten up and gone. I have no desire to do anything. Things that generally bring me so much joy are now things that I do because I have to, rather than because I want to. I would almost guarantee that this funk is caused by the hormones slowly leaving my body. Since this is our off cycle as we prepare for IVF, I am officially hormone free for the first time since February. I sound like a bad commercial for beef.

I think another issue is that I see and interact with babies everywhere. It's so hard to be surrounded by the one thing that you want more than anything in the world. However, I did this to myself. I didn't have to offer dance classes for infants and toddlers, but it made sense as there's no classes around for that age group. Unfortunately, I underestimated how hard it would be on me personally. Moreso, it's an internal struggle as no one knows what we're going through other than my staff. I did catch one of them watching me interact with the children and moms in class this week. They know my struggle, and watch me pull myself together, put on a smile, and play with other people's children. 

I also realized that I have yet to cry, at all, throughout our entire infertility journey. I'm not a crier in general, and was raised to be tough with the saying, "Suck it up, buttercup." It takes a lot for me to cry, but one would think that I'd hit my limit. I fully expected a meltdown when my BFF told me she was pregnant. However, the tears didn't come. I put up such a strong front, when in actuality in crying and having a total breakdown inside. Crying won't solve my problems, but maybe I need to wallow in my grief in order to move on. 

I use the word grief liberally. No, I have not suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage, but I have suffered through years of ups and downs, each month praying and hoping that our test will be positive. I grieve for the children that I haven't had, and pray for the ones that are coming. It's difficult to talk about grief when loved ones don't understand. I grieve for the time I've lost through this journey, for the friends I've lost contact with because they don't understand or are tired of listening, and for myself as I continue to put my body through countless treatments. 

Post 23: Needles...lots of needles

I have officially finished my first round of acupuncture! It went extremely well, I stayed calm, and as I was informed beforehand, it didn't hurt. There was a little sting on a few of the needles, but overall, not too shabby. Today, she targeted the areas of my body to help with insomnia, fatigue, and reproductive health. This included three needles in each leg, two in each arm, and one in the top of my head. There's more areas Dr. Lori will target, but these were the starting points. The goal right now is to reset my body. I've been going for so long on so little sleep and at such a high stress level that we're both expecting it to take a little while before I start to notice a difference in my sleep patterns. As Dr. Lori said, I may feel like crashing early tonight, but with as tightly wound as I've been, it may not happen right away. Hopefully I will be sleeping before we make it to IVF, and my stress levels will come down. Acupuncture itself isn't too bad. I barely felt the needles, and the ones I did feel only stung for a second or two. The worst part, in my opinion, was sitting in silence for 20 minutes while the needles were in place. I stared at the ceiling, and found patterns and shapes in the ceiling tiles. I go back in two days for another round of acupuncture, and maybe by next week I'll start to see a difference in my sleep and energy levels. 

Post 21: Was it God?

Have you ever had one of those encounters where you walk away and wonder if God's talking to you? We've struggled with trying to get pregnant, but have kept it really quiet. My family and a few friends know - maybe 10 people total - so there's no way that the lady I met today knew to approach me. I set up a booth today for Children's Day at the Tazewell County Fair to recruit new students for the dance studio. The booth randomly set up beside of me was for foster care. I didn't speak two words to the woman running the booth other than a polite hello. Otherwise, it was silent. 

As I was packing up to head home, the lady approached me. She said she worked with foster care, and wondered if I'd ever thought about becoming a foster parent. She could tell that I liked children, was married, and had a stable job, and I was an ideal age and candidate to become a foster parent. Her comments took me totally by surprise. I'd never met this woman, but had been contemplating foster care for quite some time. 

I talked to this woman for about 30 minutes. I explained to her that we were going through fertility treatments, and had seriously considered foster care, but that I didn't think it was fair to take on a child while going through treatments, and that I didn't think I could give a child back to a parent who abused them. She then told me that they offer a foster to adopt program, in which the children are legally emancipated, and can be adopted directly from the foster care system if desired. I didn't realize that this was an option. I thought that foster care was when children were going back and forth between their birth parents and a family that cares for them, and that there was a very small chance of being able to adopt through foster care. We talked for a little while longer, and she answered my questions, and encouraged me to fill out the paperwork. 

As I left the fair, I told the woman to give me six months, and that if we still weren't pregnant, and had expended all means, then we would contact her about becoming foster parents, with the intention of adoption. 

When I got home, I talked to Shaun about my chance meeting. I fessed up that I'd been thinking about foster care and adoption because we're so close to reaching the end of our journey with infertility. I told him how the meeting may have been God placing someone at the right place and the right time, but that I still didn't have the desire to adopt. He agreed! When I first started to tell Shaun about talking with the woman from foster care, his first words were, "If we have to, we will adopt, but as long as there are ways to have our own child, I don't want to give up on our dream." It was at this point where I realized it may have just been a chance meeting, and not a God planted introduction. However, time will tell, and only God really knows the answer.

Post 20: Adoption? Is it for me?

I am so glad that I found the book Instant Mom. I have read it cover to cover, had internal discussions and debates about whether we should consider adoption, and even began looking at the available children on www.AdoptUSKids.org. What I've decided is that adoption isn't for me. 

Nia Vardalos does a wonderful job of explaining the ins and outs of the adoption process, and as I read her words, I realized that it is not something I want to go through. Yes, I want to be a mother, and, no, we have not ruled out adoption completely. But for now, it's off the table as long as there is another treatment we can try that could potentially end in a child of our own flesh. 

I have this thought that if God wants me to adopt, then he will open my heart, and give me the desire. When looking to adopt a cat, we viewed www.PetFinder.com. You can see all of the available shelter pets, and when I saw two little, black furballs, I knew that they were the right pieces to fill our family puzzle. The AdoptUsKids website is eerily similar to looking for a kitten. You can see photos of the children, read about their behavior, and see what type of environment would help thrive. 

Just as when we were looking for a kitten, we knew what we wanted when looking for a child. We have discussed adoption to some extent, and we know that it may be our only way to become parents. We've decided if we adopt, we want to adopt a young infant, who is relatively similar in appearance to us. Maybe this seems selfish, but in a small, rural community, where 99% of the population is Caucasian, kids need to fit in with their surroundings. We don't need our children to be discriminated against for being adopted and not looking like anyone else. It happens. I've seen it. 

As I was looking at AdoptUSKids, I set our parameters to include a Caucasian child no older than 3 years, with the gender unspecified. In Virginia, there was one child who fit this criteria, and I'm pretty sure they lied about his ethnicity, or he is the darkest skinned Caucasian I've ever seen. Nationwide, there were only 4 children who met the criteria we were searching. Over 200,000 children waiting to be adopted, and only 4 that met the requirements we wanted. With so few options, I decided to look into each child to see if maybe I would have a connection after reading a little more about them. As I began reading, I learned that all four children had serious medical concerns. Three of them were on feeding tubes, one wouldn't be able to walk. It was at this point where I realized that God is not leading me to any of these children. 

With our kittens, we saw them and knew that they were made to be part of our family. I would expect the same internal pull when looking for a child. What I saw was heartbreaking. Siblings who would like to be adopted, but wanted to stay within a certain state so they could see the one sibling who was already with a different family. Kids whose stories included wording such as, "the typical oldest child, she/he takes care of the younger siblings, and will need a family that can lessen the burden and allow her/him to be a kid again." I read through story after story, only to realize that there are people made for adoption, and I am not currently one of them. 

I will advocate for adoption. It is a wonderful way to start a family, and there are a tremendous amount of children who just want to be loved. I will champion for these children, and will encourage individuals to be more open to adoption. However, at this time, I will not be adopting a child. 

Post 22: Just a little R&R - Reading and Research

I've found that the closer we get to starting IVF, the more research I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, with a background in public health, I research every last sneeze. However, this is the first time that my research has expanded. Not only am I visiting Dr. Google, I am also trying new ideas, such as acupuncture, and reading books about other's journeys. Here's what I've learned about myself through reading so far:

1) I have no desire to adopt

2) I must speak up for myself

3) it's ok to be frustrated all of the time 

4) hormones make everyone crazy 

5) I really, really want to be a mother 

6) God is in control, not me

The books I've read this far, include: Laughing is Concievable, Every Drunken Teenager Why Not Me, Infertility: A Silent Struggle and a God Who Hears, Waiting on God, and Instant Mom. I probably read more than the average person, and can knock out a novel a day without even trying. However, I have time on my hands as I'm not chasing after a child, and the cats are pretty independent. 

Parts of each of these books have stuck with me throughout this journey. Though Instant Mom is one that really got me thinking. Instant Mom is Nia Vardalos' story of infertility and adoption. You may know her as the lead actress and writer of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and the humor in her book is the same style of feel good comedy, even in such a depressing situation. 

I'd failed to mentioned a while ago that someone in foster care sought me out at a local fair. There was no prior mention of my fertility struggles, she just thought that I looked like someone who would be a great foster parent. Shaun and I discussed it that night, and both decided that we wanted a child from my own womb. But I couldn't help but wonder if this out of the blue meeting was a "God thing" and I just wasn't listening. To strengthen my resolve that God was indeed involved with the "chance meeting," about a week ago I was at a consignment sale, and was drawn to a book called, "Adoption Day." I purchased the used book for $1, and teared up in the parking lot as I read the words about not all families are born, some are made. So I began looking at adoption and foster care, and made it my new mission. 

Post 19: Trying to stay positive

We've officially hit the two year mark of actively and unsuccessfully TTC. Thought it's been 24 months, I've had 27 periods, or cycles, so I technically could have had three children in the time that I haven't had any. It sucks. 

I've now completed three rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, and three rounds of clomid with IUI. The last IUI also included a shot of estrace to help thicken my endometrial lining that was slowly thinned by the continuous clomid cycles. We've maxed our our fertility benefits on our insurance, and still don't have a child. However, we have a consultation for IVF at Wake Forest on October 6th, and, hopefully, we will begin the processes soon! 

I find myself in an ongoing mild depression. The one thing I want more than anything in life, is the one thing I can't achieve. It seems the teenagers and drug abusers, however, can just pop out kids on command! But take two healthy, educated individuals, who are ready to raise a child, and nope, not gonna happen. 

To stay positive, I find myself daydreaming about the day I finally get to announce that we're expecting, possibly twins, now that we're headed to IVF. I keep putting together press statements for Facebook which read someting along the lines of, "With a lot of prayer, drugs, science, and love, we are excited to announce that we are finally expecting! It has been a long, tiring, painful journey, and we are beyond excited and ready to become parents!" 

I find that by thinking of positive announcements, I am able to remain hopeful that we will have a child of our own, from my own womb. 

Many people have asked us about adoption, but God has not placed the desire to adopt on our heart. As a child I played with dolls religiously. My imagination would soar, as I would have morning sickness, tell my husband that we were going to have a baby, carry a doll under my shirt for a long period of time, then would stretch out on my bed, time my contractions, push them out, and have such joy over the entire experience. I have always wanted to know the feeling of pregnancy. I want the morning sickness, the tiredness, the restless nights, and the baby. It hurts thinking about how badly I want to experience motherhood. I know that motherhood does not necessarily include pregnancy and birth, but it's a part of life that I don't want to miss out on, unless we've extinguished all other options. We will adopt if it is the only way we will become parents, but adoption for us is a last resort. It doesn't solve the problem of infertility, but it would make me a mother. 

I know God will provide. He would not give us the desire to have children, then deny us what he created in us. I will stay positive, I will have faith, and one day, I will be a mother.