Post 59: Beta Day

Another day, another blood test. I'm numb this morning. Shaun and I will head to the hospital after my shot to see if I'm pregnant. The test is done quickly, but it takes an hour for results. However, I know the result, and it's not going to be in my favor. I took a home pregnancy test this morning, and threw it away as soon as I peed on it, but I know it was negative. I have no symptoms at all, and have had this overwhelming feeling of negativity since the transfer. There's still a chance that it worked, and my numbers are too low to show on a home test, but I'm so depressed at this point that it's hard to remain positive. 

Once again, my HCG level was 0, so I am, indeed, not pregnant. As much as it stinks, I am relieved that I don't have to be shot tomorrow. My hips are so sore, bruised, and swollen, and my right butt cheek is completely numb.

 I believe that Shaun hit a nerve two days ago, which is causing the numbness. We have a follow-up phone conference with our doctor tomorrow to discuss our next steps. Our plan is to take some time off, but it will depend on how tomorrow's conversation goes. 

Post 58: Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone, and for the third year in a row, a baby was at the top of my list. Technically, I got a baby for Christmas with the FET; hopefully, it will stick around. Christmas is both happy and sad. It's wonderful to be surrounded by family and friends, and to see the joy in Lilly's eyes as she opens presents, but I can't help being depressed, wishing we were receiving or opening gifts for a child of our own. We've said for two years, Christmas will eventually be at our house, because Lilly will no longer be the only grandchild. Maybe next year will be the year.

Our Christmas celebrations started on Christmas Eve. We had breakfast at the farm with my parents, Angel, and her family, then headed to Angels house for lunch. When Angel asked what I'd like for Christmas, I requested chicken pot pie. I could not have picked a better present! After lunch, we headed to our house, where Shaun made dinner for the two of us and my parents. Dinner at our house has become a Christmas Eve tradition. Sara is always busy with Brandon's family, and Shaun's family is always in New Jersey, so for the past few years, we've celebrated by eating a nice dinner and watching a Christmas movie. This year's choice was Elf!

Christmas Day was spent at Sara's house, as usual. I do most of the cooking, she does the cleaning, and we all relax and try not to kill each other. Our doctor, David, and his family joined us again this year. It was great to see everyone, as we consider them part of our extended family. Very few questions were asked about how we were doing, but many well wishes and prayers were offered. 

All in all, this Christmas was low-key, and relaxing. There were no tears involved, other than Lilly who was in present overload, and everyone got along all day. I'm still missing my Christmas spirit, but hopefully, it will return in full force next year, when we have a child to celebrate. 

Post 57: FET

Well, for the second time in my life, I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise! Our FET yesterday went wonderfully!

Even the embryologist was nicer about our outcome. He said he didn't know why the first two embryos didn't work, but that my prognosis was really good based on my high AMH number which shows egg quality. Our appointment started right on time, and the procedure was over in about 15 minutes. 

I was so glad that Shaun got to go with me this time, so that he could see the embryo being transferred, it's still such a cool experience. I know the moment our child was formed in the womb. Hopefully, it will stay put, and stick around for the long haul! Also, we were given a few souvenirs yesterday, an ultrasound photo of our transferred embryo, and the tubes it was freezes in, which resemble Capri Sun straws in my opinion! 

Post 56: Great lining, great day!

It's so nice to have a relaxing day with my BFF! The only thing that would have made it better is if there were no needles involved. However, my ultrasound and bloodwork both came back with great results, and I'm scheduled for our FET on December 22! I think the ultrasound tech was trying to kill me though. She checked my lining three times, and I'm pretty sure she was able to see my esophagus by the third scan. 

After the appointment, Angel and I headed to Charlotte to pick up mirrors for the studio, and to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Our first stop was IKEA! Shaun and I had our first IKEA experience a few months ago, and it was overwhelming, and not a lot of fun. However, IKEA with Angel was much more exciting! It's nice to shop with someone who also gets excited about tutu lamps and cheap kitchen tools! We sprinted through IKEA, picked up the mirrors, plus a few Christmas presents, then headed to Concord Mills Mall. Our goal was to find a Build-A-Bear, and after a marathon power walk, we finally found our store. We each picked up a few outfits for Christmas and birthdays, found a snack for dinner, and headed home. 

We talked, we laughed, we drank coffee, we ate cupcakes, and we had an awesome day! I am so lucky and blessed to have Angel in my life, and truly believe that God gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. I've needed a friend for so long, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. Don't get me wrong, I love my BFFs from college, and we talk regularly, and see each other as often as we can, but there's something about having a friend two minutes away that makes a huge difference. Throw in the fact that she actually understands what I'm going through with infertility, and a shared love of God, kids, food, and coffee, and it's easy to see why we get along so well! It's days like today that make me realize how truly blessed I am. I'm infertile, but I'm healthy, I'm surrounded by friends and family her love me wholeheartedly, and I know that one day I will be a mother. What more could I ask for?

Post 55: Crappy Hormones

I about had a breakdown in the middle of Belk today. I ran by the mall to check on the studio, to see if we could set up early since I have a doctor's appointment early tomorrow morning. The party in our room had just ended, so they told me to come back in a few hours so they'd have time to clean. I decided to look for Christmas presents since I had some time to kill. 

I started out looking for Shaun. I figured I'd find a shirt or sweater for him in Belk, and slowly started wandering through the store. I didn't find anything that piqued my interest, but decided to keep looking since there's still quite a few people on my list. I glanced through housewares, and then headed to the children's section to see if there were any good sales for Lilly. 

I was doing well with not thinking about the baby section until I came across this outfit. 

I fell in love with it, and it took everything in me to not buy it. Had it been in a larger size, I would have taken it home. I then realized that I needed a Christmas gift for my BFF, who just found out her baby is a girl. As I stared at the baby outfits, and thought of my friend being able to use them, I about lost it. The disappointment of not being a mother sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I was doing well, and was excited to look for the new baby, until I fell in love with the outfit, and was reminded of what I don't have. I think it may be time for another bathtub crying session. Crap. These hormones suck.

Post 54: Feeling Down

I believe I'm officially depressed. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I just can't shake. It's like I'm going through the motions, and keeping up appearances, but every little negative thing that happens is one more stab to the heart. I can feel the changes that are happening internally, and can tell that the happy person I once was is now damaged and heartbroken. I've stayed so positive and strong since the beginning of this, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Is it time to give up? Have I reached my limit? Will this be our last chance at happiness? These are the questions that are on constant replay in my mind. 

I should be excited that we're doing our FET in two weeks, but all I can think about is how we will be able to pay for another cycle of IVF if it fails. We're so far in debt at this point that I don't see a way out. Add in the stress of my dad wanting us to buy a house and get out of debt, and it's like the negatives keep piling on. I find myself avoiding family functions because I know they will end with a debate between my dad and myself over something small that blows up quickly. He will never understand our desire for a natural family, and keeps pushing us to adopt through foster care. I love my dad, but can't handle his attitude towards the life we're trying to build. No, we honestly can't afford any more treatments, we don't own a home, and we have a small amount of credit card debt, and a large amount of student loan debt, but it's our life, and we will live it as we see fit. I don't need someone reminding me of what we don't have. I need someone to encourage me, and remind me what we're working towards. I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok, that we will have a family one day, and it will all be worth it. 

Post 53: Christmas Spirit

My dance studio performed A Charlie Brown Christmas a few days ago, and I realized how much like Charlie Brown I have become. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas, which is usually one of my favorite things to do, and I'm just feeling a little down. I didn't pick up on the similarities between the story and how I've been feeling until I watched it unfold on stage. I really have been depressed lately, and my spirit is shattered after our failed IVF cycle.

I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm listening to Christmas carols, preparing themed lesson plans, and buying presents, but it's like I'm only going through the motions. I normally have my house decorated by early November, but we're two weeks away from Christmas, and I'm still not prepared. I set up our tree, but have yet to decorate it. I have not wrapped a single gift, and can't seem to get excited about this joyous season. 

I know I have so much to be thankful for, but the fear of letting go of my dream of becoming a mother is looming. Our FET is scheduled for December 22nd, and our pregnancy test is on the 30th. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will really have to reevaluate what comes next. Do we give up on our dream and start the adoption process, or continue to put my body through treatments that may lead to a child? Adoption will cost around $50,000, and another cycle of IVF will be $15,000. Neither is guaranteed to provide a child. If our last treatment fails, then this may be the hardest decision we've had to consider. 

Post 52: Response to posts

I have been overwhelmed by the sheer number of responses to my public post about our infertility journey! Over fifty people have reached out either publicly or privately to offer support, or to share similar stories. What touched me most were over abundance of women who privately shared their story, and thanked me for publicly sharing my struggle, because the words I said out loud they had been screaming internally for years. I received message after message from friends, family, and strangers, about how they've always wanted to say the words I posted, but couldn't find the courage, or just weren't ready to share yet. I'm hopeful that I can be a pillar for these women, and help them in any way possible - whether through additional posts to bring awareness to infertility, or as someone who keeps their secret, and is there for when they need to talk. I feel that this is where God has lead me, and for the first time in a long time, I can breathe easier, and not have to watch what I'm saying, or who I'm saying it to. I can be real, open, and honest, and maybe make a difference in someone's life. I see now that this was God's plan - to use me as a voice for those who can't speak. 

Post 51: Going Public

I've decided it's time to stop living in silence, and to publicly share our journey through infertility. I was waiting to share until we found out we were pregnant, but I really feel that God is leading me to share now. Maybe there's someone who needs to hear our story, and it will offer them encouragement. I'm not sure, but I feel it's time. I'm tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and am ready to start living life again.

I know I need words of encouragement, and am hopeful that my novella that I'm about to post on Facebook will help me to find peace with the entire situation. Below is what is being posted in the morning:

As we've officially passed the two and a half year mark of trying to have a baby, I feel it's time to share our struggle. I'm tired of keeping quiet, and dodging questions about when we're going to start a family. The question is asked on a regular basis, and I continually make excuses. The answer is, we have been trying, for a long time, and it doesn't always happen like you plan. I'm generally a private person, and don't like to share what's going on in my personal life. However, if there's someone else struggling with similar issues, then I want them to know they're not alone.

The first year of infertility is made up of hope. It can take a normal couple a year to get pregnant, so maybe there's nothing wrong. The second year is made up of tests - monthly, sometimes weekly or daily, bloodwork, ultrasounds, x-Rays, and more. The third year is made up of hormones and procedures. Since March, we've completed 6 rounds of Clomid, 3 IUI (intrauterine insemination), and an IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle, all of which have failed. This year alone we've invested around $20,000 in a child that has yet to come. However, we remain hopeful and positive, and pray continuously that we will receive our Christmas miracle, and our one remaining frozen embryo will work, or that God will set a new path towards becoming parents, and turn our hearts towards adoption. 

The struggle is silent. No one talks about infertility, and what happens when you don't get pregnant. Disappointment becomes a normal part of life, and you learn to manage your emotions and move on quickly. Anger, fear, and depression are always waiting on the sideline, and your faith is continually shaken. For example, last Wednesday we learned our IVF cycle failed. We transferred two healthy, growing embryos, and neither of them worked. We got the results early in the morning, I cried for the first time in years, spent the entire day in prayer, and taught six hours of dance class that afternoon, because life can't stop because your world has. Holidays are hard for anyone struggling with infertility, and Thanksgiving will always be a reminder of the loss of our babies. 

Prayer has become constant throughout our journey. Prayers begging for this to be the month, prayers of acceptance when it isn't, and prayers for what to do next. Prayers of thanksgiving, and prayers of outrage wondering why. I struggled most with the question of "why." Until a few weeks ago, our infertility was unexplained. There was no medical reason to why we were unable to have a baby. We followed the rules, remained abstinent until marriage, lived a healthy lifestyle, and couldn't have a baby. We now know that I have endometriosis, but since I didn't really have any signs or symptoms, there was no way of knowing the severity until my egg retrieval a few weeks ago. 

For most couples, it takes a village to raise a child; for us, it takes a village to make a child. Our doctors, nurses, and medical teams have been awesome both with Access Health and Wake Forest, and they are working together to make our dream a reality. If I've been running late or missed a day of work or dance class, it's most likely because I've been with a doctor. I'm being monitored at Wake Forest at least once a week due to the daily injectable medications I've been taking, and will continue to do so for the next few weeks or months. Also, most of our vacations have been cover stories for surgeries and procedures, and I've been on bed rest or couch rest for the past six weeks, which is why I haven't been participating fully in dance class. However, I know the dance studio is in good hands, and we are so blessed to have an amazing staff that keeps the studio running in our absence. 

My friends, family, and faith in God have kept me going. I know that God has a plan for our lives, and that He will provide the desires of our heart. I feel my relationship with God has grown over the past 30 months, and I am a stronger person now than I have ever been. Shaun and I have learned to lean on each other, and trust God, even when we don't get the answer we want or hope for. We've learned to praise God through the storm, and to listen, and wait. Waiting is the hardest part. However, we prayed for a clear sign about what to do next, and I woke up singing the Brandon Heath song lyrics, "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet." I can't think of a clearer answer to our question. We know we will have a baby, but that it is not in our control. We just have to wait, keep praying and believing, and one day (hopefully soon), God will provide. 

So, please stop asking when we are going to start a family, and unless you're in the select group that has known for quite a while, please don't ask for updates about how it's going. All this does is remind us that we still don't have a baby. We promise we will let you know when there's news to share, and will update as we feel ready. Part of the reason we've kept quiet for so long is that we don't want people to look at or treat us differently. We are still the same people, please treat us as such. And please, pretty please, stop asking young married couples when they are going to start their families, because most likely, they already have. 

If you're struggling with infertility, or have questions about our journey, please contact us. I would have loved to have had someone local to ask questions to about IUI and IVF, and I would not have made it this far without one of my BFFs who went through a similar situation. I feel that God blessed us with infertility so that we may help others struggling and questioning His plan. We are ready to let God use us to help others, and will no longer suffer in silence. 

Post 50: When are you having kids?

After silently struggling with infertility, I will never ask anyone, "When are you having kids?" I've been asked this question more times than I care to think about, and always fumble over my words to come up with an excuse. Why do we do this though? Why don't we just tell everyone what we're going through, even if we only say it to shut them up! 

So, I should probably apologize to the next person that asks me when I plan of having children, because I'm tired of giving my normal answer. If it's someone I know well, I think I'm now going to say something among these lines: "Do you want the real answer or the cover story? The cover story is that we're thinking about having children, but are trying to find the right timing with the dance studio so we don't have to shut down for my absence. The real answer is that we've been trying for 2.5 years, with over a year of unsuccessful fertility treatments, including a lot of testing, 6 rounds of clomid, 3 IUI, IVF, and soon to be a FET. We've invested over $20,000 this year in TTC, and we may never be able to have children." I think that this statement may get people to stop asking questions!