Post 49: After Disappointment

The day I found out our first IVF treatment failed I cried harder than I ever have in my entire life.  The tears wouldn't stop.  We were in the middle of a snow storm, and had borrowed my parent's truck to make it to the hospital, and I had to drop Shaun off at work as soon as we got the negative results.  I made it home before the tears started to fall, but as soon as I stepped inside the house, it was a non-stop snot-fest.  I decided the best thing to do was to take a bath, which I hadn't been able to do in weeks due to the procedures.  I cried for a solid two hours, talking with God, and begging Him to help my pain, and to continue to trust him.  This was the first time I had cried in over two years.  I was determined that this was going to work, and was, again, wrong.  Around noon, I knew I had to pull myself together.  I had a full day of dance classes to teach, and family members were about to arrive for Thanksgiving. I spent the morning pouring my heart out to God and my best friend, Angel, and made all of the calls that were necessary to inform my family that we'd failed at getting pregnant, again.  I asked them to please treat me normally, because if they looked at me with puppy dog eyes, I would burst into tears, and I couldn't let my guard down at the studio.  My students and their families do not know that we have been TTC, and I didn't want them to find out by having a breakdown.

I've decided that I have a pretty good poker face, because I made it through six hours of dance class, and four hours of family time, without a single tear falling.  I started texting Angel after class, and had one of the most heartfelt conversations of my life.  Angel struggled with infertility, and now has two beautiful children.  She gets the frustration, and has been my rock and foundation through everything.  She's my champion, prayer warrior, and friend, and she helped me to work through the results, and reminded me to look to God, and keep believing in Him, even when I don't get the answers I want.  Our conversation lasted well over two hours, and by the time I was ready for bed, I was beyond exhausted.  I had a sense of calm when I climbed into bed, and I rolled over to hold onto Shaun.  As I began to pray, the tears returned.  It's so difficult to praise God, and thank Him for the wonderful day He has provided us with, when you're so upset over losing a child.  I know that some people will say that the embryos were not really children, but to an individual going through IVF or infertility, they most definitely are.

I prayed harder the day of the pregnancy test, and the days following, than I have in a long time.  First prayers begging for the test to be positive, and for us to have a healthy baby, then prayers of desperation when the test was negative, prayers of strength to make it through the day, and prayers asking to help me accept the things that I cannot change.  The tears started to flow, and I thanked God for the blessings that He has bestowed upon me, and for my constant support system with Shaun and Angel, and asked that He clearly show me what to do next.  I don't believe that the desire to have my own child will ever disappear, but I asked God to please show me His plan. I needed a clearer sign.  If I was supposed to give up, and look towards foster care or adoption, then I wanted the desire inside of me to change.  I prayed, and begged for God to reveal his plan in my life.  I also reminded myself that I am not in control, and that God will grant the desires of my heart when the time is right.

I must have cried all night in my sleep, because my eyes were sore, and achy when I awoke.  However, when I woke, God answered my prayers.  I rarely wake up with something running through my head, but the morning after the test, I literally woke up singing.  The words that came out of my mouth were by Brandon Heath.  A song that I hadn't heard or thought of in a long time - "Wait and See."  I was awoken by the words, "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see.  He's not finished with me yet."  I've never felt such a sense of calm.  I know that He's not finished with me yet, and that I need to trust God's timing.  I will have the child my heart desires, and the child will be flesh of my flesh.  I just have to wait on God, and that's what I plan to do.

Post 32: Holy Cow that's a LOT of Needles!

My medications for IVF were delivered today, and I'm a bit overwhelmed! There's so many drugs, and needles, did I mention the needles?

I spoke with the pharmacy yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised when they reviewed the cost for each medication. Our estimate for one cycle of IVF was $2500 for medications. However, thanks to our awesome drug coverage through our instance, we only had to pay $286.89! I did a happy dance in the middle of a shoe store when the pharmacy told me the news. 

Here's a rundown of what was delivered, and the out of pocket cost:

1) 50 alcohol swabs (free)

2) 50 18 gauge needles (free)

3) 1 sharps container (free)

4) 30 29 gauge needles (free)

5) 20 30 gauge needles (free) 

6) 10 menopur injections - 75 units ($100)

7) 8 methylpred 8 mg ($4)

8) 40 doxycycline 100 mg ($4)

9) 2 gonal-f kits 1050 units (free)

10) 1 leuprolide kit 1 mg ($174.89)

11) 20 progesterone injections 50 mg ($4)

12) 30 22 gauge needles (free)

13) 1 pregnyl trigger shot 10000 units (free)

I'm a little concerned that there are 130 needles waiting to be injected! I should probably enjoy sitting while I still can!

Post 47: Transfer day!

It's finally happened! I am officially pregnant with twins! I know that they may not stick, but for today, and until proven otherwise, I am officially pregnant! Shaun wasn't able to go to the transfer with me, so my best friend, Angel, took me to the appointment. I believe our friendship is on an entirely different level now. She was able to be in the room with me, and while I was in stirrups, getting ready, she was my champion and prayer warrior by my side. She got to watch as they carried in the embryos, and placed them in my uterus. It's an amazing process to watch, but also a process that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Transfer day was beyond exciting and nerve wracking.  My directions were to arrive at the doctor's office at 1:45, drink 20 ounces of water starting at 1:30, and that the procedure would start at 2:00.  We arrived right on time, I drank my water, and the procedure was postponed for about an hour.  They finally called us back to discuss the procedure, and the quality of my embryos.  I don't think I had ever been more nervous.  The embryologist came into the room to introduce himself, and he began to make me even more nervous.  He started talking, and the first words out of his mouth were, (please read this with a very heavy Asian accent):  "You make a me so nervous, I so worried about your embryos.  You so young.  You should have lots of blastocysts, but you only has three.  Girl before you had 18.  We no think your embryos become blastocysts, but this morning they did.  I no tell you the quality, but they where they should be.  Here's the picture of your two blastocysts.  The bottom one is better than the top one.  Top one has fragmentation, bottom one doesn't.  Your embryos all so fragmented, like you old.  You definitely have endometriosis, and it affects eggs. Your eggs so dark, and shells so hard.  Can't believe you only have three, you make a me nervous."

After the conversation, we were told to go back to the waiting room.  About ten minutes later, they took me to the transfer room.  I was instructed to get naked from the waist down, and to cover myself with a sheet.  Once I was in position, Dr. Johnston came into the room, with the ultrasound tech, our nurse, Roxanne, and the embryologist.  Angel was told to stand next to me, and every time we made eye contact I started laughing.  When the procedure started, they placed the speculum, then the catheter, and using the ultrasound to guide the position, they injected the blastocysts into my uterus.  It has to have been one of the coolest experiences of my life, and Angel was just as in awe as I was.  The ultrasound screen was blank, then there were two bright, white, shining lights.  I was officially pregnant!  

They had me stay upside down on the table for about twenty minutes, then I was instructed to head home, and take it easy for a few days.  My pregnancy test was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving, with a follow up test on Black Friday.  

Post 48: Hard Day

Today was my first beta test, and the results were never in my favor. Though we transferred two beautiful blastocysts, neither of them took, and my hcg level was 0 this morning. At minimum, it should have been 50, or at least had something register on the test scale, but apparently my uterus and blastocysts don't get along well. The worst part is that I have to entertain all week, after one of the largest disappointments in my life. I've wanted children since I was a child, and I know I was born to be a mom, but I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever experience pregnancy. I want the morning sickness, the achy joints, and the exhaustion. I want to experience having a child growing inside me, and giving birth. I've wanted these things for so long, and my strength is wearing thin. We're officially on cycle 30 now, and though I can no longer say that I've never been pregnant, since they put in two healthy embryos, I still am not a mother. I'm holding out hope that we will have a child eventually, and that it will be from my own flesh. I know that God would not place this desire so strongly in my heart if it wasn't meant to be, but I'm becoming impatient. There's a 90% chance of taking home a baby after three rounds of IVF, so we still have hope, and I know that God will provide. 

Post 46: Let's Get This Party Started!

The day is here - egg retrieval!! I'm checked in, my IV is started, and now we're just waiting on the doctor to arrive. The procedure should start at 10:00AM, and will be over in about 20 minutes. I'll update once I'm out of surgery!

Surgery went well, and they retrieved 14 eggs!  However, I was told that the eggs were darker than they should have been, and that they were going to do ICSI on more than originally planned.  My inability to sleep also affected the ability to be put to sleep, and I ended up having twice the amount of sedatives as normal, and had a very nice nap.  

However, after waking up, they asked if I was ready to stand, so they could mark the location for my progesterone in oil shots (which suck by the way).  I moved to the edge of the bed, and told the nurse that I was still really dizzy.  She asked me to go ahead and stand up, and to support myself on Shaun.  About the time I threw my arms around him, I blacked out.  The next thing I knew, I was back in bed, surrounded by nurses, and they were talking about my blood pressure.  I ended up having to stay a little longer than I had hoped, but we were still on the road by lunch time.  In the days following surgery, extra strength tylenol and a heating pad became my best friends.  I was extremely sore, bloated, and crampy for the first few days, then was back to my normal self.

The day after retrieval, I received a phone call from the embryologist, updating me about the fertilization rate of my eggs.  Of the 14 eggs retrieved, 8 were fertilized with ICSI, and 6 were fertilized with traditional IVF.  The difference between ICSI and traditional IVF is that with ICSI, a tiny hole is drilled in the egg, and a high quality sperm is placed inside the hole, in hopes of fertilization.  With traditional IVF, one egg is placed in a dish with 50,000 sperm, in hopes that one sperm penetrates the egg.  Of the two different styles, 7 out of 8 ICSI eggs were fertilized normally, and began growing, but only 1 of 6 traditional IVF eggs fertilized normally and began to grow.  However, we still had 8 embroys, which is a pretty good number.

My day three report from the embryologist was not quite what I was expecting.  I was hoping for all eight fertilized eggs to be growing quickly.  I expected some changes, but still hoped that we had quite a few good eggs remaining.  However, when I received the call, I was told that we had all eight embryos remaining, but that three were above average quality, one was average quality, and four were below average quality.  The quality of the embryos plays a part in the implantation statistics.  A below average quality embryo doesn't necessarily mean that it can't or won't turn into a beautiful, healthy child, it just means that it's not quite as likely as a higher quality embryo.  I was also instructed that we would be doing a day five transfer with my eggs.

Post 45: Shot free!

I'm probably more excited than I should be over a shot free day! I had my trigger shot yesterday evening at 9:30 on the dot, and today and tomorrow I only take my antibiotic. I guess the trade off for tomorrow is that I have surgery, but I'll take it! 

Post 44: So many!

We're in the middle of our third monitoring appointment, and are officially up to 27 follicles - 14 on the right, 13 on the left! Holy cow! The ultrasound tech said I looked just about ready for retrieval!

We talked with our doctor, and they're moving up our timeline! We trigger on Tuesday, then have our retrieval on Thursday! I'm beyond excited, and I get two entire days without shots! Woohoo!

Post 43: Flashbacks

So I've discussed it with my friends, but never really on my blog or with my family. As a child, I always played with dolls. Plural. Dolls. I would carry around an armful of babies, all the time. Also, I've always expected myself to have multiples. So this reality of IVF, and the significant increase in the chance of multiples, almost feels like we've come full circle. 

One of the oddest things is that I have vivid memories of a movie from when I was a child. I don't remember the full plot, but I clearly remember that it was about infertility, and the couple went through a procedure where the woman's legs were up in the air, and there were big needles involved! Well, low and behold, I believe I found the movie today, and it gets a little crazier! The movie was, "Maybe Baby," staring Hugh Laurie.  

I've been trying to find this movie for quite a while, to see if it really did exist. To make it more ironic, the couple in the movie suffers from the same diagnosis that we have, which is unexplained infertility. Also, the wife writes about her journey, just as I am. Furthermore, the name of the movie is also the name of my blog...Maybe Baby. I couldn't have planned it even if I tried.

It could all just be coincidence, but I really find it odd that this movie stuck out to me for so many years. I'm expecting that I saw this originally when I was in middle school. I had mono, and was on home bound for three months. I watched a lot of lifetime movies at the time, and the movie was released around the same time. So maybe it is just a random moment in my life that I remember, or maybe I've been preparing for this all along, which explains why I haven't had any major breakdowns since we started this process. Hopefully, our first IVF cycle will be successful, and my blog can turn to parenthood!

Post 42: Holy Cow!

Our second ultrasound appointment at Wake Forest was shocking! I've been through more ultrasounds than I care to think about, so I'm used to seeing the follicles on the screen. Typically there's maybe five on each side of varying sizes, and one or two dominant follicles. Yesterday, Shaun and I stared in amazement as the ultrasound tech found twenty-three large follicles! There were thirteen dominant follicles, five on the right, and eight on the left, and multiple smaller follicles. The twenty-three that she counted were on track to be harvested next week!  This definitely explains my bloated stomach.

Also, my blood work came back, and my estrogen level was at 552, which is much higher than a regular estrogen level (150), but is in line with IVF treatments, when the levels can get to 4000. However, my number was progressing a little quicker than they wanted, so they're changing the dosage of my gonal-f. So, now I'm taking 187 IU gonal-f (dropped from 225 IU), 75 IU menopur, 5 IU Lupron (dropped from 10 IU when I started stims), 100 mg doxycycline twice a day, and 81 mg aspirin. I am officially a druggie! 

The current game plan is to go back to Wake Forest on Monday and Wednesday of next week for monitoring, then they'll do my egg retrieval either Thursday or Friday, depending on how I've progressed. So, only one more week until retrieval, then five more days until transfer! The end is near!

Post 41: All about that bloat, bout that bloat, no baby

Three days of hyper ovarian stimulation, and almost I'm ready to give in. I'm bloated to about the belly of a 10 week pregnant woman, and am pretty uncomfortable. The antibiotics are wreaking havoc on my colon, so I'm running to the bathroom on a continual basis. And, I will be making a trip to Wake Forest today for monitoring. That's at leas six hours in a car for a ten minute appointment. I was supposed to be monitored by David, but we missed the first appointment because of the ER visit, and he can't get the blood work results back the same day, which is easential for monitoring. Therefore, I get to spend the day driving, with a bloated, unhappy stomach. Right now I'm just hoping for the right number of eggs! Too few and they could cancel, too many and they could cancel. Let's hope they find what they're looking for today! If you couldn't tell by the tone of today's entry, I think it's safe to say that the hormones are officially in over drive.

Post 40: Another day, another ER visit

I've decided my ovaries hate me. Ok, so really it's just my right ovary, and more specifically, the small endometrioma. I'm yet again in the ER for a ruptured cyst. I believe this is my forth month in a row that this has happened. Yay!

So, here's my list so far:

14 shots of Lupron

8 Transvaginal ultrasounds

6 rounds of clomid

6 day 21 progesterone screenings 

4 ER visits

3 abdominal ultrasounds

3 IUI
1 HSG

1 soon to be IVF

All I'm missing is a partridge in a pear tree...oh yea, and a baby! 

Post 39: Shot Thoughts

Though we're only twelve days into my ivf schedule, and I still have around 8-10 weeks of daily shots remaining if I become pregnant, I'm already beginning to dread 9:00PM! My stomach is sore, and frankly, they just hurt. We've tried different positions, areas, temperatures, and nothing seems to help. Luckily, it only takes about two minutes from start to finish, but regardless, it's not much fun. 

My sister and I have been helping my parents clean out their attic, and purge a great deal of "stuff" that has no important value. Today, we went through old books and bibles, and I found so many things that I needed to read. The first was from an old Public Health book, from 1920, called "A Child's Day," by Woods Hutchinson. 

The second was from a bible that was given to my grandmonther on her 21st birthday, May 24th, 1950:

These two pieces reminded me that I have to keep trying, and that all of the shots will be worth it. I have to stay positive, and believe that it will work - have faith, and keep hoping! I will be a mother, and Shaun will be a father, in God's time.