Post 62: This day sucks

As I sit here trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming, I realize how badly I want to be a mother. I got to work this morning, and my sister told me that she had exciting news to share. She's having a baby. I'm completely numb. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I am angry. Not with my sister, but with the situation. My sister and I have been compared by my parents our entire lives, and my life in comparison always comes up short. I knew she was trying for a second child, and I've prayed and hoped that if it happened, ours would come first. My biggest fear was that we would be pregnant at the same time, and she'd steal my thunder, as has happened my entire life. The happiness associated with possible pregnancy is gone, all that's left is disappointment. 

I know that everyone who knows us both will say, "Congratulations - your sister's having a baby too, right?" Maybe it's selfish, but for once in my life, I wanted to be the one celebrated. I wanted to be the focus. Part of me wants to push back our next IVF cycle, but I know that I can't do it. Our issue is with my eggs, and every month makes them a little older and a little harder, so time is of the essence. I just hate that our kids will always be compared. I understand that our next cycle may not work, or the timing could get pushed back, but I have to keep believing that it'll happen quickly. 

I keep trying to be happy with the situation, but I am so angry. God promised to give us the desires of our hearts, but I am continually told to wait. I have a relationship with God, we attend church, give generously, and pray. We waited for marriage to have sex, and followed all the rules. My sister has none of these. I'm struggling so much with why she has been granted another child, while I am still longing for my first. Her baby is healthy, and has a strong heartbeat, and though she has some health concerns with a corpus luteum cyst, they expect everything to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I do not understand why I have to hurt so badly, and continually be in longing pain for a child, when they come naturally and so easily to others. 

The hardest part for me to handle is that she is due on our due date from the FET. She's having the baby we lost. We should have been the ones celebrating, but it just isn't happening. Why can't we have a baby? Why doesn't my body work? What is God trying to teach me from this? I'm tired of waiting. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. Why won't God let me have the desires of my heart as promised? 

Post 61: Ouch, ouch, ouch!!

Today, I was the recipient of an endometrial biopsy. Ouch. Did I say ouch? Ouch! Though the procedure was quick, it was not pleasant. However, Dr. Johnston was excellent, and explained the procedure beforehand, and everything went exactly as planned. She said I had a little irritation, possibly from yeast, but it could also be because I'm still in my period. So, for the procedure, they insert a speculum, swab and clean my insides, pass a tube into my uterus, and for 10 seconds, scrape my lining to gather a sample. I was lucky that it only took one pass. If she didn't gather enough tissue, then they would have repeated the scraping process. 

Hopefully, my results will come back normal, and there isn't any chronic inflammation. We should know in about a week. Until then, it's just a waiting game. The good part about this procedure is that it improves implantation rates, so here's to hoping the next set of embryos stick! 

Post 60: Follow Up

We officially have an attack plan for our next steps. Since our IVF and FET cycles both failed, and we're out of embryos, Shaun and I decided it was a good time for a break. My parents take us on a cruise each year, and it's typically our Christmas present. They'd put off booking the cruise until we had a better idea of our schedule. When we talked to our doctor, she encouraged us to take the month off, enjoy vacation, and we'll start the next IVF stimulation cycle the day we return. 

Dr. Johnston was really positive about our chances. She said taking the time to relax may be the best medicine she could order. She also has me scheduled for an endometrial biopsy next week. This procedure has two benefits. The first is that it can tell if my endometrium is chronically inflamed, preventing implantation; the second is that it causes injury to the uterus, which then has to heal itself. When this occurs, it makes the lining course, and improves implantation rates. She also decided that I'll start birth control with my next period, and take it for ten days before starting stimulation. My estrogen levels was really high after only eight days of stimulation, and she was concerned about OHSS - ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. In addition to the birth control, she's changing Lupron to a different medication to see if I respond dofferently, then my dosage of of menopur and gonal f will be reduced too. We're hoping that reducing the medication and including birth control will allow me to stim longer. We will also do ICSI on all of the eggs as I had a 100% fertilization rate with the process last time. 

So, my plan for now is to relax, and enjoy my time off. This is really the first break I've had since we started this process last March. So far, my relaxation had included watching three seasons of Gilmore Girls, doing all the laundry in the house, cooking two months of freezer meals, cleaning out the kitchen cabinets, and cleaning and rearranging our storge room and turning it into a usable guest room. Though it may not be most people's ideal relaxation technique, it is what works for me. A clean house is a relaxing environment. Until it's clean, I can't relax. I also know that with work, the cruise, and an upcoming cycle, that there will be little time for cleaning. By the end of the day, the house should be spotless, and I'll begin relaxing.