Post 24: Feelin' Funky

I've found myself in a funk lately. My "get up and go" has gotten up and gone. I have no desire to do anything. Things that generally bring me so much joy are now things that I do because I have to, rather than because I want to. I would almost guarantee that this funk is caused by the hormones slowly leaving my body. Since this is our off cycle as we prepare for IVF, I am officially hormone free for the first time since February. I sound like a bad commercial for beef.

I think another issue is that I see and interact with babies everywhere. It's so hard to be surrounded by the one thing that you want more than anything in the world. However, I did this to myself. I didn't have to offer dance classes for infants and toddlers, but it made sense as there's no classes around for that age group. Unfortunately, I underestimated how hard it would be on me personally. Moreso, it's an internal struggle as no one knows what we're going through other than my staff. I did catch one of them watching me interact with the children and moms in class this week. They know my struggle, and watch me pull myself together, put on a smile, and play with other people's children. 

I also realized that I have yet to cry, at all, throughout our entire infertility journey. I'm not a crier in general, and was raised to be tough with the saying, "Suck it up, buttercup." It takes a lot for me to cry, but one would think that I'd hit my limit. I fully expected a meltdown when my BFF told me she was pregnant. However, the tears didn't come. I put up such a strong front, when in actuality in crying and having a total breakdown inside. Crying won't solve my problems, but maybe I need to wallow in my grief in order to move on. 

I use the word grief liberally. No, I have not suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage, but I have suffered through years of ups and downs, each month praying and hoping that our test will be positive. I grieve for the children that I haven't had, and pray for the ones that are coming. It's difficult to talk about grief when loved ones don't understand. I grieve for the time I've lost through this journey, for the friends I've lost contact with because they don't understand or are tired of listening, and for myself as I continue to put my body through countless treatments.