Post 19: Trying to stay positive

We've officially hit the two year mark of actively and unsuccessfully TTC. Thought it's been 24 months, I've had 27 periods, or cycles, so I technically could have had three children in the time that I haven't had any. It sucks. 

I've now completed three rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, and three rounds of clomid with IUI. The last IUI also included a shot of estrace to help thicken my endometrial lining that was slowly thinned by the continuous clomid cycles. We've maxed our our fertility benefits on our insurance, and still don't have a child. However, we have a consultation for IVF at Wake Forest on October 6th, and, hopefully, we will begin the processes soon! 

I find myself in an ongoing mild depression. The one thing I want more than anything in life, is the one thing I can't achieve. It seems the teenagers and drug abusers, however, can just pop out kids on command! But take two healthy, educated individuals, who are ready to raise a child, and nope, not gonna happen. 

To stay positive, I find myself daydreaming about the day I finally get to announce that we're expecting, possibly twins, now that we're headed to IVF. I keep putting together press statements for Facebook which read someting along the lines of, "With a lot of prayer, drugs, science, and love, we are excited to announce that we are finally expecting! It has been a long, tiring, painful journey, and we are beyond excited and ready to become parents!" 

I find that by thinking of positive announcements, I am able to remain hopeful that we will have a child of our own, from my own womb. 

Many people have asked us about adoption, but God has not placed the desire to adopt on our heart. As a child I played with dolls religiously. My imagination would soar, as I would have morning sickness, tell my husband that we were going to have a baby, carry a doll under my shirt for a long period of time, then would stretch out on my bed, time my contractions, push them out, and have such joy over the entire experience. I have always wanted to know the feeling of pregnancy. I want the morning sickness, the tiredness, the restless nights, and the baby. It hurts thinking about how badly I want to experience motherhood. I know that motherhood does not necessarily include pregnancy and birth, but it's a part of life that I don't want to miss out on, unless we've extinguished all other options. We will adopt if it is the only way we will become parents, but adoption for us is a last resort. It doesn't solve the problem of infertility, but it would make me a mother. 

I know God will provide. He would not give us the desire to have children, then deny us what he created in us. I will stay positive, I will have faith, and one day, I will be a mother.