Post 59: Beta Day

Another day, another blood test. I'm numb this morning. Shaun and I will head to the hospital after my shot to see if I'm pregnant. The test is done quickly, but it takes an hour for results. However, I know the result, and it's not going to be in my favor. I took a home pregnancy test this morning, and threw it away as soon as I peed on it, but I know it was negative. I have no symptoms at all, and have had this overwhelming feeling of negativity since the transfer. There's still a chance that it worked, and my numbers are too low to show on a home test, but I'm so depressed at this point that it's hard to remain positive. 

Once again, my HCG level was 0, so I am, indeed, not pregnant. As much as it stinks, I am relieved that I don't have to be shot tomorrow. My hips are so sore, bruised, and swollen, and my right butt cheek is completely numb.

 I believe that Shaun hit a nerve two days ago, which is causing the numbness. We have a follow-up phone conference with our doctor tomorrow to discuss our next steps. Our plan is to take some time off, but it will depend on how tomorrow's conversation goes. 

Post 58: Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone, and for the third year in a row, a baby was at the top of my list. Technically, I got a baby for Christmas with the FET; hopefully, it will stick around. Christmas is both happy and sad. It's wonderful to be surrounded by family and friends, and to see the joy in Lilly's eyes as she opens presents, but I can't help being depressed, wishing we were receiving or opening gifts for a child of our own. We've said for two years, Christmas will eventually be at our house, because Lilly will no longer be the only grandchild. Maybe next year will be the year.

Our Christmas celebrations started on Christmas Eve. We had breakfast at the farm with my parents, Angel, and her family, then headed to Angels house for lunch. When Angel asked what I'd like for Christmas, I requested chicken pot pie. I could not have picked a better present! After lunch, we headed to our house, where Shaun made dinner for the two of us and my parents. Dinner at our house has become a Christmas Eve tradition. Sara is always busy with Brandon's family, and Shaun's family is always in New Jersey, so for the past few years, we've celebrated by eating a nice dinner and watching a Christmas movie. This year's choice was Elf!

Christmas Day was spent at Sara's house, as usual. I do most of the cooking, she does the cleaning, and we all relax and try not to kill each other. Our doctor, David, and his family joined us again this year. It was great to see everyone, as we consider them part of our extended family. Very few questions were asked about how we were doing, but many well wishes and prayers were offered. 

All in all, this Christmas was low-key, and relaxing. There were no tears involved, other than Lilly who was in present overload, and everyone got along all day. I'm still missing my Christmas spirit, but hopefully, it will return in full force next year, when we have a child to celebrate. 

Post 57: FET

Well, for the second time in my life, I am officially pregnant until proven otherwise! Our FET yesterday went wonderfully!

Even the embryologist was nicer about our outcome. He said he didn't know why the first two embryos didn't work, but that my prognosis was really good based on my high AMH number which shows egg quality. Our appointment started right on time, and the procedure was over in about 15 minutes. 

I was so glad that Shaun got to go with me this time, so that he could see the embryo being transferred, it's still such a cool experience. I know the moment our child was formed in the womb. Hopefully, it will stay put, and stick around for the long haul! Also, we were given a few souvenirs yesterday, an ultrasound photo of our transferred embryo, and the tubes it was freezes in, which resemble Capri Sun straws in my opinion! 

Post 56: Great lining, great day!

It's so nice to have a relaxing day with my BFF! The only thing that would have made it better is if there were no needles involved. However, my ultrasound and bloodwork both came back with great results, and I'm scheduled for our FET on December 22! I think the ultrasound tech was trying to kill me though. She checked my lining three times, and I'm pretty sure she was able to see my esophagus by the third scan. 

After the appointment, Angel and I headed to Charlotte to pick up mirrors for the studio, and to do some last minute Christmas shopping. Our first stop was IKEA! Shaun and I had our first IKEA experience a few months ago, and it was overwhelming, and not a lot of fun. However, IKEA with Angel was much more exciting! It's nice to shop with someone who also gets excited about tutu lamps and cheap kitchen tools! We sprinted through IKEA, picked up the mirrors, plus a few Christmas presents, then headed to Concord Mills Mall. Our goal was to find a Build-A-Bear, and after a marathon power walk, we finally found our store. We each picked up a few outfits for Christmas and birthdays, found a snack for dinner, and headed home. 

We talked, we laughed, we drank coffee, we ate cupcakes, and we had an awesome day! I am so lucky and blessed to have Angel in my life, and truly believe that God gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. I've needed a friend for so long, and I couldn't have asked for a better one. Don't get me wrong, I love my BFFs from college, and we talk regularly, and see each other as often as we can, but there's something about having a friend two minutes away that makes a huge difference. Throw in the fact that she actually understands what I'm going through with infertility, and a shared love of God, kids, food, and coffee, and it's easy to see why we get along so well! It's days like today that make me realize how truly blessed I am. I'm infertile, but I'm healthy, I'm surrounded by friends and family her love me wholeheartedly, and I know that one day I will be a mother. What more could I ask for?

Post 55: Crappy Hormones

I about had a breakdown in the middle of Belk today. I ran by the mall to check on the studio, to see if we could set up early since I have a doctor's appointment early tomorrow morning. The party in our room had just ended, so they told me to come back in a few hours so they'd have time to clean. I decided to look for Christmas presents since I had some time to kill. 

I started out looking for Shaun. I figured I'd find a shirt or sweater for him in Belk, and slowly started wandering through the store. I didn't find anything that piqued my interest, but decided to keep looking since there's still quite a few people on my list. I glanced through housewares, and then headed to the children's section to see if there were any good sales for Lilly. 

I was doing well with not thinking about the baby section until I came across this outfit. 

I fell in love with it, and it took everything in me to not buy it. Had it been in a larger size, I would have taken it home. I then realized that I needed a Christmas gift for my BFF, who just found out her baby is a girl. As I stared at the baby outfits, and thought of my friend being able to use them, I about lost it. The disappointment of not being a mother sneaks up on you when you least expect it. I was doing well, and was excited to look for the new baby, until I fell in love with the outfit, and was reminded of what I don't have. I think it may be time for another bathtub crying session. Crap. These hormones suck.

Post 54: Feeling Down

I believe I'm officially depressed. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I just can't shake. It's like I'm going through the motions, and keeping up appearances, but every little negative thing that happens is one more stab to the heart. I can feel the changes that are happening internally, and can tell that the happy person I once was is now damaged and heartbroken. I've stayed so positive and strong since the beginning of this, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Is it time to give up? Have I reached my limit? Will this be our last chance at happiness? These are the questions that are on constant replay in my mind. 

I should be excited that we're doing our FET in two weeks, but all I can think about is how we will be able to pay for another cycle of IVF if it fails. We're so far in debt at this point that I don't see a way out. Add in the stress of my dad wanting us to buy a house and get out of debt, and it's like the negatives keep piling on. I find myself avoiding family functions because I know they will end with a debate between my dad and myself over something small that blows up quickly. He will never understand our desire for a natural family, and keeps pushing us to adopt through foster care. I love my dad, but can't handle his attitude towards the life we're trying to build. No, we honestly can't afford any more treatments, we don't own a home, and we have a small amount of credit card debt, and a large amount of student loan debt, but it's our life, and we will live it as we see fit. I don't need someone reminding me of what we don't have. I need someone to encourage me, and remind me what we're working towards. I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok, that we will have a family one day, and it will all be worth it. 

Post 53: Christmas Spirit

My dance studio performed A Charlie Brown Christmas a few days ago, and I realized how much like Charlie Brown I have become. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas, which is usually one of my favorite things to do, and I'm just feeling a little down. I didn't pick up on the similarities between the story and how I've been feeling until I watched it unfold on stage. I really have been depressed lately, and my spirit is shattered after our failed IVF cycle.

I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm listening to Christmas carols, preparing themed lesson plans, and buying presents, but it's like I'm only going through the motions. I normally have my house decorated by early November, but we're two weeks away from Christmas, and I'm still not prepared. I set up our tree, but have yet to decorate it. I have not wrapped a single gift, and can't seem to get excited about this joyous season. 

I know I have so much to be thankful for, but the fear of letting go of my dream of becoming a mother is looming. Our FET is scheduled for December 22nd, and our pregnancy test is on the 30th. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will really have to reevaluate what comes next. Do we give up on our dream and start the adoption process, or continue to put my body through treatments that may lead to a child? Adoption will cost around $50,000, and another cycle of IVF will be $15,000. Neither is guaranteed to provide a child. If our last treatment fails, then this may be the hardest decision we've had to consider.