Post 54: Feeling Down

I believe I'm officially depressed. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness that I just can't shake. It's like I'm going through the motions, and keeping up appearances, but every little negative thing that happens is one more stab to the heart. I can feel the changes that are happening internally, and can tell that the happy person I once was is now damaged and heartbroken. I've stayed so positive and strong since the beginning of this, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Is it time to give up? Have I reached my limit? Will this be our last chance at happiness? These are the questions that are on constant replay in my mind. 

I should be excited that we're doing our FET in two weeks, but all I can think about is how we will be able to pay for another cycle of IVF if it fails. We're so far in debt at this point that I don't see a way out. Add in the stress of my dad wanting us to buy a house and get out of debt, and it's like the negatives keep piling on. I find myself avoiding family functions because I know they will end with a debate between my dad and myself over something small that blows up quickly. He will never understand our desire for a natural family, and keeps pushing us to adopt through foster care. I love my dad, but can't handle his attitude towards the life we're trying to build. No, we honestly can't afford any more treatments, we don't own a home, and we have a small amount of credit card debt, and a large amount of student loan debt, but it's our life, and we will live it as we see fit. I don't need someone reminding me of what we don't have. I need someone to encourage me, and remind me what we're working towards. I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok, that we will have a family one day, and it will all be worth it.