I know I need words of encouragement, and am hopeful that my novella that I'm about to post on Facebook will help me to find peace with the entire situation. Below is what is being posted in the morning:
As we've officially passed the two and a half year mark of trying to have a baby, I feel it's time to share our struggle. I'm tired of keeping quiet, and dodging questions about when we're going to start a family. The question is asked on a regular basis, and I continually make excuses. The answer is, we have been trying, for a long time, and it doesn't always happen like you plan. I'm generally a private person, and don't like to share what's going on in my personal life. However, if there's someone else struggling with similar issues, then I want them to know they're not alone.
The first year of infertility is made up of hope. It can take a normal couple a year to get pregnant, so maybe there's nothing wrong. The second year is made up of tests - monthly, sometimes weekly or daily, bloodwork, ultrasounds, x-Rays, and more. The third year is made up of hormones and procedures. Since March, we've completed 6 rounds of Clomid, 3 IUI (intrauterine insemination), and an IVF (in vitro fertilization) cycle, all of which have failed. This year alone we've invested around $20,000 in a child that has yet to come. However, we remain hopeful and positive, and pray continuously that we will receive our Christmas miracle, and our one remaining frozen embryo will work, or that God will set a new path towards becoming parents, and turn our hearts towards adoption.
The struggle is silent. No one talks about infertility, and what happens when you don't get pregnant. Disappointment becomes a normal part of life, and you learn to manage your emotions and move on quickly. Anger, fear, and depression are always waiting on the sideline, and your faith is continually shaken. For example, last Wednesday we learned our IVF cycle failed. We transferred two healthy, growing embryos, and neither of them worked. We got the results early in the morning, I cried for the first time in years, spent the entire day in prayer, and taught six hours of dance class that afternoon, because life can't stop because your world has. Holidays are hard for anyone struggling with infertility, and Thanksgiving will always be a reminder of the loss of our babies.
Prayer has become constant throughout our journey. Prayers begging for this to be the month, prayers of acceptance when it isn't, and prayers for what to do next. Prayers of thanksgiving, and prayers of outrage wondering why. I struggled most with the question of "why." Until a few weeks ago, our infertility was unexplained. There was no medical reason to why we were unable to have a baby. We followed the rules, remained abstinent until marriage, lived a healthy lifestyle, and couldn't have a baby. We now know that I have endometriosis, but since I didn't really have any signs or symptoms, there was no way of knowing the severity until my egg retrieval a few weeks ago.
For most couples, it takes a village to raise a child; for us, it takes a village to make a child. Our doctors, nurses, and medical teams have been awesome both with Access Health and Wake Forest, and they are working together to make our dream a reality. If I've been running late or missed a day of work or dance class, it's most likely because I've been with a doctor. I'm being monitored at Wake Forest at least once a week due to the daily injectable medications I've been taking, and will continue to do so for the next few weeks or months. Also, most of our vacations have been cover stories for surgeries and procedures, and I've been on bed rest or couch rest for the past six weeks, which is why I haven't been participating fully in dance class. However, I know the dance studio is in good hands, and we are so blessed to have an amazing staff that keeps the studio running in our absence.
My friends, family, and faith in God have kept me going. I know that God has a plan for our lives, and that He will provide the desires of our heart. I feel my relationship with God has grown over the past 30 months, and I am a stronger person now than I have ever been. Shaun and I have learned to lean on each other, and trust God, even when we don't get the answer we want or hope for. We've learned to praise God through the storm, and to listen, and wait. Waiting is the hardest part. However, we prayed for a clear sign about what to do next, and I woke up singing the Brandon Heath song lyrics, "There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget, all the plans He's made for me, I have to wait and see, He's not finished with me yet." I can't think of a clearer answer to our question. We know we will have a baby, but that it is not in our control. We just have to wait, keep praying and believing, and one day (hopefully soon), God will provide.
So, please stop asking when we are going to start a family, and unless you're in the select group that has known for quite a while, please don't ask for updates about how it's going. All this does is remind us that we still don't have a baby. We promise we will let you know when there's news to share, and will update as we feel ready. Part of the reason we've kept quiet for so long is that we don't want people to look at or treat us differently. We are still the same people, please treat us as such. And please, pretty please, stop asking young married couples when they are going to start their families, because most likely, they already have.
If you're struggling with infertility, or have questions about our journey, please contact us. I would have loved to have had someone local to ask questions to about IUI and IVF, and I would not have made it this far without one of my BFFs who went through a similar situation. I feel that God blessed us with infertility so that we may help others struggling and questioning His plan. We are ready to let God use us to help others, and will no longer suffer in silence.
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