Post 53: Christmas Spirit

My dance studio performed A Charlie Brown Christmas a few days ago, and I realized how much like Charlie Brown I have become. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas, which is usually one of my favorite things to do, and I'm just feeling a little down. I didn't pick up on the similarities between the story and how I've been feeling until I watched it unfold on stage. I really have been depressed lately, and my spirit is shattered after our failed IVF cycle.

I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm listening to Christmas carols, preparing themed lesson plans, and buying presents, but it's like I'm only going through the motions. I normally have my house decorated by early November, but we're two weeks away from Christmas, and I'm still not prepared. I set up our tree, but have yet to decorate it. I have not wrapped a single gift, and can't seem to get excited about this joyous season. 

I know I have so much to be thankful for, but the fear of letting go of my dream of becoming a mother is looming. Our FET is scheduled for December 22nd, and our pregnancy test is on the 30th. If this cycle doesn't work, then we will really have to reevaluate what comes next. Do we give up on our dream and start the adoption process, or continue to put my body through treatments that may lead to a child? Adoption will cost around $50,000, and another cycle of IVF will be $15,000. Neither is guaranteed to provide a child. If our last treatment fails, then this may be the hardest decision we've had to consider.