Post 67: Awkward Family

It's been very awkward since arriving at my uncle and aunt's house. I just knew that when we walked in, they would embrace us and tell us that God has a plan for our lives, and that He is ever faithful. I expected to talk about and pray with them, and to feel surrounded by God. Instead, it's been very different. My uncle has not spoken to me directly since we arrived two days ago. Conversations with my aunt have been brief and pointed, and there has been no conversation at all about how we're doing emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  When we crawled into bed last night, I asked Shaun if I was over analyzing the lack of interest, and he had the same feeling - that we're a nuisance for being here. My uncle and aunt are extremely religious, but are not conservative in the least. They are two of my favorite people, and are by far the relatives I'm closest to. Shaun and my uncle always golf together, and have endless discussions when they're together about life and God. Shaun said that when they golfed, my uncle wire headphones and listed to music for the first nine holes, and had very minimal conversation during the back nine. On the way home from their outing, my uncle made Shaun quite uncomfortable. He said things such as, "you're being stubborn, and clearly God doesn't want you to have a child. You need to work on your marriage and finances instead." He also told my parents that they should not have helped us with a loan to have a baby, and that they should pretty much kick us out of our house and let us fend for ourselves. My uncle thinks we are co-dependent on my parents, and can't make it on our own. 

I see things differently. Yes, we rent a house from my parents, and we do have a loan from them to front the cost of starting a family. However, we are both working, we have never missed a payment, and are treated the same as any other tenant. We do not expect them to pay for anything without us paying them back, and we expect to pay back every penny loaned as we are able. I also disagree with my uncle over God not wanting us to have children. He would not have placed the desire on my heart if it were not meant to be. I pray and ask that if we are not on the right path, that He would steer us in a new direction. Our marriage and relationship with God are stronger than they've ever been, and I know that I am staying the course, and am where I'm supposed to be. Shaun said that this weekend was a test, and we are being pressured by the Devil to lose hope. I value my uncle's opinion so highly, and am so shocked by his reaction, that I have to agree with Shaub. We will stay faithful and prayerful, and God will provide. 

Post 66: Birth Control and Biopsies

It has been a long week, made even longer with the start of our second fresh IVF cycle. Our protocol changed this time to include birth control to help lower my estrogen level before starting stimulation. I officially hate birth control, and have been so sick since starting it. It's only been three days so far, but I am constantly nauseous. I'd be perfectly ok if it was morning sickness, but since it's hormone related, it really sucks. To top it off, I also got to have another endometrial biopsy today. Yuck. The procedure hurt worse this time, and I am praying that my infection is cleared up, because I'm not sure if I can handle another biopsy. After the biopsy, we stopped by the pharmacy to pick up anti-nausea prescriptions, then headed to Florida for vacation! Two days and counting until we cruise!

Post 65: brighter days ahead

Every day gets a little easier, but I'm still having daily crying sessions. I'm not sad, I'm just extremely disappointed. I'm disappointed in my dreams not coming true, and my life being on hold. I'm so afraid that I'll be stuck as an emotional wreck until I hold my child in my arms. I've imagined the day so many times, and it's heartbreaking to think that it might not ever happen. It's a dream I can't give up on, but also a dream I have no control over. Why is it that the people who long for children are the ones who struggle to have them? 

I think my mini breakthrough happened yesterday. My time in prayer really helped settle me, and gave me a sense of peace. I also talked with my nurse, Roxanne, and finally laughed for the first time since Friday. She asked about our cruise, and said that we'll be so relaxed when we return that it should definitely be our time for success. As much as I hope this is true, I know it's just going to be harder than ever if we have another failure. I don't know how much more I can take. I would never do anything that would cause physical harm, but I completely understand how people could. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, and to keep it all together, but I know that it wouldn't take much for me to break. 

We have so much riding on this IVF cycle. We are so far in debt that we know it will be our last. It's so difficult to know that we may wake up in a nightmare, rather than seeing our dreams come to life. It's this possibility that is causing me so much grief. How do you let go of something when it's all you've ever wanted? When do you say enough is enough? How do you live with the decision? Do we adopt a child and always be bitter over the fact that we couldn't have a child of our own? Do we decide not to have children, and to live out our days as just man and wife? These are just a few of the nonstop questions that I've been struggling with this week. My brain is on overdrive, and I can't make it stop. 

Post 64: A Prayer to Heal the Broken

God,

Please take away this pain that I'm feeling. This sense of emptiness and longing. My soul is shattered, and I am broken. Help my tears to stop, and my heart to heal. Give me strength to make it through this day. Let me be the bigger person, and accept the situation. Please don't let it ruin me, or any relationships within my family. Surround me in Your grace, and help me to praise You through this storm. Please let the end be near, and for the storm to pass. Help me see the rainbow that is promised, and to keep my eyes turned to You. When all I want is to scream and cry, allow me to be calmed and reassured that You have a plan. Please make known to me the path which I am to follow. Guide me, Lord. 

Amen.

Post 63: Depression Sinking In

The news of my sister's pregnancy has sent me into a downward spiral. It's like kicking me while I was already down. All I want to do is cry. I'm going through the motions of daily life, but it's like I'm on autopilot. I'm not generally an emotional person, and this whole situation has thrown me for a loop. I don't know how to handle these feelings. I'll be ok for a little while, and then I'll remember that Sara's having a baby, and I'm right back to being depressed. When will it be my turn? Haven't I suffered enough? I know God promised that He would not allow pain without something new being born, but I never expected that it would be my pain and my niece or nephew being born. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I know I'm not in control, but after almost three years of negatives, don't I deserve happiness too? Believing that He will provide the desires of my heart is what is keeping me held together, but every pregnancy announcement and failed treatment makes it so hard. I just want to be a mother. I want a baby. I want to be pregnant. Why, oh why, Lord, am I constantly being told to wait? 

Post 62: This day sucks

As I sit here trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming, I realize how badly I want to be a mother. I got to work this morning, and my sister told me that she had exciting news to share. She's having a baby. I'm completely numb. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I am angry. Not with my sister, but with the situation. My sister and I have been compared by my parents our entire lives, and my life in comparison always comes up short. I knew she was trying for a second child, and I've prayed and hoped that if it happened, ours would come first. My biggest fear was that we would be pregnant at the same time, and she'd steal my thunder, as has happened my entire life. The happiness associated with possible pregnancy is gone, all that's left is disappointment. 

I know that everyone who knows us both will say, "Congratulations - your sister's having a baby too, right?" Maybe it's selfish, but for once in my life, I wanted to be the one celebrated. I wanted to be the focus. Part of me wants to push back our next IVF cycle, but I know that I can't do it. Our issue is with my eggs, and every month makes them a little older and a little harder, so time is of the essence. I just hate that our kids will always be compared. I understand that our next cycle may not work, or the timing could get pushed back, but I have to keep believing that it'll happen quickly. 

I keep trying to be happy with the situation, but I am so angry. God promised to give us the desires of our hearts, but I am continually told to wait. I have a relationship with God, we attend church, give generously, and pray. We waited for marriage to have sex, and followed all the rules. My sister has none of these. I'm struggling so much with why she has been granted another child, while I am still longing for my first. Her baby is healthy, and has a strong heartbeat, and though she has some health concerns with a corpus luteum cyst, they expect everything to go smoothly with the pregnancy. I do not understand why I have to hurt so badly, and continually be in longing pain for a child, when they come naturally and so easily to others. 

The hardest part for me to handle is that she is due on our due date from the FET. She's having the baby we lost. We should have been the ones celebrating, but it just isn't happening. Why can't we have a baby? Why doesn't my body work? What is God trying to teach me from this? I'm tired of waiting. I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. Why won't God let me have the desires of my heart as promised? 

Post 61: Ouch, ouch, ouch!!

Today, I was the recipient of an endometrial biopsy. Ouch. Did I say ouch? Ouch! Though the procedure was quick, it was not pleasant. However, Dr. Johnston was excellent, and explained the procedure beforehand, and everything went exactly as planned. She said I had a little irritation, possibly from yeast, but it could also be because I'm still in my period. So, for the procedure, they insert a speculum, swab and clean my insides, pass a tube into my uterus, and for 10 seconds, scrape my lining to gather a sample. I was lucky that it only took one pass. If she didn't gather enough tissue, then they would have repeated the scraping process. 

Hopefully, my results will come back normal, and there isn't any chronic inflammation. We should know in about a week. Until then, it's just a waiting game. The good part about this procedure is that it improves implantation rates, so here's to hoping the next set of embryos stick!